On the night before kindergarten...

We've all read the sappy post of the mom talking about how you'll feel on the night before kindergarten. Or at least those of us who are moms have. I've read it more than once with both tears and laughter as I thought through everything leading up to this day. Let's be honest...I've been PRETTY dramatic with my own sappy posts.

Honestly, I've felt a heavy weight since the moment my eyes opened this morning. For months, the suspense of this whole experience has been building, and the culture around me has been selling a specific message: you should be sad and afraid. Some other tunes I've heard are that I should feel inadequate or unprepared or untrusting of the people who have had years of training and dedicate their lives to educating my child. I have specifically given a little too much weight to the select times a kid has been ugly to Noah or he has had difficulty making friends believing that this could be his new normal.

This whole experience reminds me a little of how it felt when we were getting married. Almost everyone we encountered wanted to tell us how hard marriage would be. Very few people actually took the time to tell us how amazing it is. Trust me, it was harder than they could have prepared us for, but mostly it was (and still is) the most incredible thing. Maybe we do this out of genuine concern or maybe misery loves company, but I'm not sure I was somehow more prepared for marriage because someone said it might be hard. It really just made me more afraid of it.

Tonight, I was feeling physically ill from the weight of the anxiety and fear I had picked up. I was having trouble focusing or enjoying our last day of summer. With the help of the best community ever, God reminded me of something very important.

"For God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7 

Over the past months, I have chosen to pick up a spirit of fear that is not from my Father. I have agreed with some lies that are completely contradictory to who God says we are. In the spirit of power, I have the choice to reject every lie and pick up something much better. So tonight, on the night before kindergarten, I am feeling something altogether different.

I am feeling proud that we have raised a boy that is kind. I am feeling confident that he has been well prepared to handle the rigor academically and the social expectations of kindergarten. I am feeling excited for the friendships he will develop and the way he will grow under the leadership of a new teacher and school. I am feeling reminded that we have been obedient to what God has called us to, and He will be faithful forever to that calling. I am feeling reassured that Noah is a light to everyone he knows, and sending him out is how we share that light. 

Kindergarten, here we come. We were made for this.

Sleep Like A Baby

For the past 17 months, I could never understand why someone would use the term "sleep like a baby." Sometimes I seriously thought it had to be this horrible trick that people played to make sure we continue to procreate. My baby didn't sleep. Let me give you a little overview of our journey. Noah woke up the usual every 2 hours for the first couple months of life. He continued to wake up 4-6 times a night until he was well past  9 months. He did not sleep through the night one time for 10 months and 6 days. He did that two days I think before reverting back to the 2-3 times a night. At about a year old, he got considerably better and only regularly woke up once a night. I am here to tell you at almost 17 months old, my child has slept through the night for FOUR whole weeks!!!! I've written a blog occasionally about things I learned in motherhood. This most definitely deserves a blog.

God is good. He really is good. He is good apart from good things. In fact, good things are only good because of Him. Even in hard things, like not sleeping for over a year, God shows me over and over how good He is. I know I'm being dramatic (and repetitive) here, but you have to understand how much I love sleep. It was a big fat idol in my life. I spent many nights asking God why He took it away from me. Those of you who have walked with God for very long at all are probably laughing at those last two statements back to back...or thinking that I get a F in the Christian column today. I'm just being honest. I didn't want to lay it down. I wanted to tell you that sleep was created to make the brain work, and I needed it so God should not take it away from me for so long. I signed up for the standard 3-6 months of sleep loss like all the other parents. I should not get the short straw here. In every single night and day that I fell on my knees before Him pleading and asking why, He met me with grace. Grace for the times I snapped at my husband and blamed sleep deprivation, for the times I said I was too tired to spend time with Him, for the times I wished I had never become a mom. My sleep was hardly the biggest issue on God's plate. In fact, it shouldn't be considered a thing at all if you really think about it. Regardless of its true insignificance in the light of all the big things going on in our world, He cared for me and my sleep. He sought me, loved me, carried me, and gave me heaping spoonfuls of grace every one of the days. Because He is a good, good Father.

Sleep experts are stupid. I know I'm being harsh here, but I earned that right. No one knows how to make babies sleep. I have read and heard it all. Books, websites, blogs, personal testimonies, research articles. I truly believe I have tried everything out there...feel free to test me if you want. For every article that tells you that kids need to learn to self-sooth (whatever the heck that means), there is an article that tells you that you will ruin them for life if you do it. For every magical sleep tool, there are 10 articles about babies who died from using that product. It's all a long shot in the dark. Let's face it, we are desperate and people prowl on that. If you can answer the sleepy mom's need for sanity, she will do anything. It's a popular market. There were definitely a couple things that made a difference, if even for a short time, but nothing made him sleep well consistently...except maybe Jesus and time. 

This next part is for mamas. I know that dads do hard work. Sometimes they are working all day and still come home to take their shift with the crying baby. I am a huge fan of dads if you haven't noticed, and I think they absolutely HAVE to help with babies that don't sleep. But there is something about being a mama that really makes this on you. It's not something that someone does to you, it's just sort of there I think. We feel like we are supposed to have the thing that helps our babies get through the hard stuff. We are supposed to have the answers that make them better. We are the ones that turmoil over our every decision. So sweet, sleepy mama hear me clearly. You are doing a great job. You are going to survive this. You are not alone. It's okay if you don't cherish every second because sometimes the seconds are hard to cherish. Keep surviving because the good will outweigh the bad. You will not break them. One day they truly will sleep. You have my permission to keep track of every second they take from you and hold them accountable to it as teenagers. And more than anything, Jesus is sufficient in this hard, hard stuff. He will meet you where you are and carry you through. 

Lastly, this would not be complete if I didn't say thank you to all of you reading and listening over the past year. Your prayers were my strength. Your coffee gift cards almost converted me to a coffee drinker. Your comments on my 2 a.m. posts truly kept me sane. I have never been more happy to be a nurse than to realize how many people I know awake in the middle of the night. They say it takes a village, and you guys have been my village. I know you will continue to be because I have no doubt other hard things await. 

Few things are sweeter than this. 

The Beautiful Thing About Dirty Laundry

As of today Bryan and I have been together for 9 years. I truly can’t believe it has been that long. Recently a friend asked if we were “as perfect as we seem.” I have felt a little unsettled ever since hearing those words. The answer to that question is definitely not! I’m actually sorry we ever let people think that. It is important to me that you understand how imperfect we are because behind every secret is a thousand lies. I pray that you will find freedom in our transparency.

Bryan and I started dating when I was 16, and he was 20. We were babies! I would love to tell you that was the source of all our problems, but I would be lying. We aren’t babies anymore, and marriage is still really hard. In these nine years we have survived a long distance relationship, we have had premarital sex and then fought through stopping premarital sex for two years before marriage, we have both been unfaithful at different times in and outside of marriage, we have had trust issues, we have had control issues, we have had respect issues, we have been ready to walk away, and we have wondered if we made the right decision to be together…just to name a few things. These are not just past tense. These are real things that we struggle through every single day. Some are daily battles and others are scars, but they are not only in the past. They are now.

Let me share something beautiful with you.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

It isn’t comfortable for me to tell you how broken we are. I am not proud of that brokenness, but I can boast in it because He is glorified in it. I can come to my husband completely messed up because I am already accepted by God through what Jesus did for me.  I can air my dirty laundry because I am righteous and redeemed by His blood that makes it white as snow. There are a few reasons I believe that I am still married to the man of my dreams, and we are loving life together.

1. We learned to walk with God. There is a difference in believing in God and walking with Him. When I cheated on my husband I was leading a Bible study. I wasn’t walking with God. It is really easy to go through the motions to impress people, follow the rules, or look good on the outside. Walking with God is freedom, love, rest, and power. It is not sin, shame, fear, and guilt. It is not rules. It is not lies. It is amazing. You should try it.

2. We have incredible community. I believe wholeheartedly that our marriage would be much worse off without the couples that showed us what marriage should look like. These people spent hours with us pouring out truth, showing us the good and bad parts of their marriages, and loving us through the hard stuff. It started in premarital counseling and hasn’t stopped since. They have taught us that marriage is hard and wonderful and scary and beautiful and that we can do it. For some reason, I think our culture tells us we can’t do it. You can. Please believe that you can. People ask us a lot why we are still in Nacogdoches. This is why. These people we live life with are the best in the world.

3. We understand the purpose of marriage. This one is important. We believe without any doubt that marriage was designed to reflect the way Christ loves His church. Marriage was created to make you holy, not make you happy. Our culture is obsessed with things that make you happy. Because of the way you may have been influenced by that, this might make you a little mad. Frankly, I don’t care. I guarantee you that you will never find another human being that can make you happy all the time. We truly love living life together, but on the days, or even seasons, where we don’t love it as much I can rest assured that we will both still choose to love each other because we understand that loving each other is bigger than making each other happy. We understand that it is a choice that we have to make every day regardless of the temptations that show up to do otherwise. Our marriage is about something, Someone, way bigger than us. When I told Bryan that I cheated on him the very first thing he said was, “God forgave me so I forgive you.” He meant it. He has lived it every day since. That is grace. It is a beautiful picture of how God loves me. That is the purpose of marriage.

It would take a book to explain every detail of our story with you although I really wish I could. It is not secret; it is just too darn long to fit here. There are scars because we have been through a lot, and actions have consequences. There are still even temptations to run back to the same sins even though we know how destructive they are. We have to make decisions every day to protect our marriage from those things. We are not perfect, but we are redeemed, and our marriage is pretty stinking great these days. Here’s to many, many more sweet years with this man!

This was one of our first weeks at SFA. Doesn't my hubby look like such a handsome YOUNG man?!

 

Some Lessons Are Funnier Than Others

So far in Noah's life, I have written several blogs. Most of them have been pretty heavy lessons that God has taught me along the way. I get one of those lessons still daily pretty much, but in honor of a new year and a really fun stage in Noah's life I wanted to share with you some of the more humorous lessons being a mom has taught me.

1. Red lights are stupid. You just thought you hated red lights. Wait until your newborn baby falls asleep in the back seat after several minutes of crying. You pull up to the red light, and immediate hysteria begins again. The car is stressful with a crying baby. I have definitely developed road rage. In fact, on our way home for Christmas Noah had just fallen asleep and the automatic windshield wipers in my car came on making a really loud noise. Out of instinct I said through my teeth, "If you wake that baby up!" Bryan and I busted out in laughter when I had to end that statement with "...I have no idea how to punish you windshield wipers."
2. Keep your shoulders clean. I have never been so concerned with what is on my shoulders as I have been in the past few months. As soon as I pick him up, he starts to chew on my shoulder. My first concern is that they are clean so that he doesn't get something terrible in his mouth. However, with this new habit also comes remnants of sweet potatoes, prunes, and whatever else he has had in his mouth recently. Unfortunately I have had several experiences where I look in the mirror hours later when I'm somewhere important to find dried leftovers on my shoulders.
3. Moms aren't always nurses. Noah has only been sick a couple times in his life. Even those sicknesses would be considered minor from a nurse's perspective. I cannot be a nurse with Noah. I completely freeze up. Every time I think he may be a little sick I get so nauseous! He had a respiratory illness a few months ago, and I went in to find him very warm. I checked his temp and got 102.6. I was able to compose myself long enough to give him the right dose of Tylenol (thank God!) and hand him off to Bryan before going to the bathroom because I was sure I would be sick. I have taken care of hundreds of little fevers, and many have been MUCH higher than that. I am Noah's mom, and I am a terrible nurse when it comes to him being ill.
4. Fingernails grow fast. Man. Those hands. Noah has a thing for clawing those he loves. It seems like I have to cut his talons every other day!
5. So do little boys. I don't know that this one is very funny to me. He is growing SO fast. I remember wishing away sleepless nights and an immature tummy when he was very small. Now I just want him to slow down. In fact, when he first started showing signs of crawling I would pick him up every time because I wasn't ready. I finally gave in, and he is a pretty cute little mover. We still have those sleepless nights, though, so I guess that's how God chose to remind me he's still a baby. Either way, I'll take it. I'm learning not to wish anything away any more. There's not enough time to enjoy each little stage.
6. Love is gross. I have never in my life loved something in the way that I love Noah. Let me tell you that I have definitely loved my husband as much as I love Noah, and I believe that is very much a biblical concept. But I don't love him the way that I love Noah. I know it has been 7 months since I grew him in my belly, but I still feel like he is a part of me. He doesn't gross me out. I don't care when he slobbers...even if it gets in my mouth. The other day I made a comment how something on his arm stunk, and then I kissed it. Who am I?! I pick his nose. I don't care how gross you think that is. I think it is gross too, but it doesn't phase me with him. I clean the lint that seems to magically grow between his fingers and toes no matter how much I clean it. I do nasty things for this little boy that I never dreamed I would do for another human...at least without gloves.
7. Hide yo toes, hide yo phone. Since he has become mobile, he will do almost anything to put your foot or your phone in his mouth. I don't have much to add to that. We'll consider this a warning for when you see him next!

The first 7 months with Noah have brought more emotions that I thought my heart could possibly handle. It is not easy every day. In fact, most days have something that is hard. I have found more joy in being his mommy than in any other job or circumstance I have ever been in, though. I don't know that I'll ever fully comprehend the Father's love for me, but I'm convinced He created motherhood to give me a little glimpse. I pray that I can mirror His relentless, gracious, merciful, just love to Noah every day of his life.

"But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15

Mom Fail

I am not a writer. I'm a math person. For some reason though, I get these blog ideas in my head, and I can't get them out until I write them down. I'm believing that someone needs them as much as I do.

A few days ago I was cutting Noah's fingernails when I clipped then end of his finger making him bleed a lot. He didn't cry, but I felt horrible because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding. I went to find a band aid, and all I had was an adult-sized small one which was gigantic compared to his tiny finger. Once I got the band aid on, he went back to playing because he wasn't phased by his injury. I snapped a picture to send to a few of my closest mommy friends and captioned it "mom fail". As I looked up from checking my phone for their responses, I realized the band aid had disappeared and his hands were in his mouth. The mom-nurse in me started to panic. Oh no. He's going to choke on the band aid. He's going to choke on the band aid that he only needed because I cut his finger when I wasn't careful enough. I would have noticed the band aid come off if I wasn't looking at my phone. I put my finger in his mouth to try to find it, but not too far because I didn't want to push it further back. I couldn't find it. More panic filled me. After about 20 seconds of pure panic, I found the band aid stuck to his foot. I sighed with relief, and thought to myself "mom fail times two".

The term "fail" has become pretty popular in recent years to talk about someone not doing something well. It has caught on with moms as well which is why each of my friends knew what I was feeling when I typed those two words. When we say "mom fail" to one another, it is mostly so we can have friends to laugh with us about the crazy mistakes we make in our journey of motherhood. The problem is that deep down, it doesn't feel funny. We laugh because that's all we know how to do. At my core, though, I'm really terrified of being a failure as a mother. And it isn't funny. It's not just the bleeding fingers or choking on band aids. It's the kid who is disobedient and disrespectful or the adolescent who breaks the law. It is the adult who doesn't know how to care for himself, or worse, is hurtful to others.

Right after this incident, I read this: "Things like 'mommy guilt' cannot crush us because Christ was crushed on the cross in our stead. Jesus is our consistency, he fulfilled God's highest expectations of perfection, and in him all the promises of God find their Yes (2 Cor. 1:20)." -Gloria Furman in Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full

Yes. Amen. Thank you Lord. That feeling deep down that seems like it will never go away...the one that makes you doubt every decision you make because you are terrified they will somehow negatively affect the rest of your life...you can let it go. He fulfilled the highest expectations of perfection. He was crushed in our stead. You were a failure, but He took your place.

cute little injured finger

Perspective Matters

The past month we have had a really difficult time with sleep. Noah was doing really wonderful sleeping at least a 6 hour stretch at night, and then it all changed. We quickly transitioned to a baby that wouldn't sleep more than 1-2 hours at night and 30 minutes in the day time. Google and friends said it could be that I was no longer swaddling his arms, a growth spurt, or four month sleep regression. I finally got to the point that I didn't really care what it was, but I really wanted it to stop. Thankfully, it seems to be improving some, but I find myself impatiently waiting to get back to what it was...or better yet, what my friends babies are doing. It seems like everyone I know has a kid that can be laid down in their bed awake and fall fast asleep for the night. Tonight as I was praying over Noah while I rocked him to sleep and he fought me...hard...I felt like God reminded me that perspective matters. This is a simple truth, but it is so important. There are a few things, specifically, He is showing me in this season.

This is hard for him too. In case you don't know, I really love my husband. This is not one of those shout-outs that says we have the perfect marriage, and he does no wrong. Our marriage has been hard. It has lots of ugly, messy moments. Thanks to a loving God and a lot of grace, it is redeemed. God uses Bryan every day to show me a picture of the way He loves me. Bryan has completely changed the way I view fatherhood, and he has so much wisdom about how to love Noah well. A few days ago after Noah fought and fought to go to sleep, I was really exhausted and began to get frustrated. Bryan calmly looked over with a smile on his face and reminded me that this is hard for Noah too. He isn't fighting sleep to make my life miserable. He lived inside of me up until 4 months ago, and it may take him a little time to figure this out. It's so easy to feel like he is intentionally making my life hard when I'm emotional and sleep deprived, but thankfully Bryan reminded me how absolutely silly those feelings are.

Today matters more than tomorrow.  Ever since Noah was born, I have struggled with spending way too much time thinking about his future. Every decision I make, small or large, I weigh the outcomes to try to determine how it might affect him in the future. For sleep, this has been exceptionally difficult because every "expert" has a magical sleep solution that will either make your child a baby genius or ruin them. I'm pretty convinced at this point that they are all fakes because if we really knew how to make babies sleep there wouldn't be so many books about it. I still buy into the lie, though, that I'm going to do something that ruins him forever. I do think it's important to think about decisions and how they will affect Noah's future. The problem with the extreme I live in is that we aren't promised tomorrow. I spend so much time thinking about tomorrow that I cannot enjoy...and survive...today. Scripture is full of truth reminding us to live today, and it's time to rest in that truth.

There's always something great to focus on. I am so thankful that early in my journey of motherhood God taught me the importance of not comparing. I have felt SO MUCH freedom by choosing resist that urge. I would be lying, though, if I didn't tell you that it is still a struggle. It is hard to watch other people sleep so well when you aren't. I can choose to focus on how Noah compares to other kids, in sleep or in numerous other areas, or I can choose to enjoy Noah just as he is. Let me just tell you that he is really great. He is so laid back. He smiles constantly. He loves to play with his toys. He just learned to blow raspberries, and so he does it nonstop like when he finishes eating and as he's falling asleep. It might be the cutest thing I have ever seen. Guys, this kid is better than I could have ever hoped or dreamed. I'll focus on that.

Kingdom perspective is key. Every single obstacle that comes in life comes with a choice of how I will view it. Honestly, some things life brings may be undoubtedly unbearable. However, John 16:33 says "In the world you will have troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world". This can be easily overlooked if you don't know the One who spoke those words. He is the author of life. He is God. He will restore everything to Himself. He became sin so that I could become righteous. He is my sustainer, my joy, my peace, and my hope. Compared to the gospel, sleep is incredibly insignificant.

I'll end with a quote about perspective from a book I'm reading by Gloria Furman. "When I view motherhood not as a gift from God to make me holy but rather as a role with tasks that get in my way, I am missing out on one of God's ordained means of spiritual growth in my life. Not only that, but I am missing out on enjoying God. No amount of mommy angst can compare to the misery that comes from a life devoid of the comforting, encouraging, guarding, providing, satisfying, presence of our holy God."

Mother Knows Best

Going back to work has been hard. I feel like a brat to even write that sentence, honestly. I have an amazing boss who has bent over backwards to make the transition for me as smooth as possible. Compared to what most working moms do, the time I'm away from Noah is so small. Noah is in wonderful hands when I'm not with him. He is either with his daddy or with a dear friend that is like a sister to me and loves him like her own. Nonetheless, it has still been very challenging. He is still not with me. When I'm at work, I cannot be in control. Who am I kidding, right? Every time I sit down to write one of these things, I share with you how I am learning I cannot be in control. You are probably as tired of hearing it as I am of learning it. I'm so thankful for a God that pursues me in my struggle.

Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that a "mother knows best". While I love the sentiment of that statement, it comes with a heavy burden. What happens when I don't know best? What if I don't know how to help him take a bottle better for his daddy or how to sleep at the sitter's house? What if I can't figure out how to fix his hurting tummy or mysterious diarrhea? To complicate it even further, I have a job that operates on the assumption that "teacher knows best". What if I can't even focus on being a teacher because I'm too busy trying to figure out how to be a mommy? Honestly, if Noah's hope rests in my ability to know what is best for him, we are both going to wind up really bad off.

I'm going to shake things up a bit and say that I don't think a mother knows best for her child. I think that's a false hope that creates a need for me to live up to something that I wasn't designed to. There is at least one time a day where I look at my son and think, "I have no clue what the heck I'm doing."  And that is how it should be. Every day that desperate feeling of inadequacy points me to a Father who does know best, for Noah and for me.

A word I've used to describe trying to balance being a mother and a teacher is "overwhelmed". I've told many close friends and family that this whole process has been overwhelming. I was sitting at the table eating breakfast yesterday when I felt the Spirit say, "NOTHING should ever have the power to overwhelm you except for Me." Ouch God.

He is overwhelming. The fact that He created life in my body, gave me the joy of experiencing His love through Noah's eyes, and has even given me the ability to work at a job where I earn money to help provide for him is overwhelming. When my hope is resting in the belief that I know what is best for Noah, I will most definitely spend many days feeling overwhelmed by the wrong things. Instead, I want to spend my days trusting that the Father not only knows best, but that He has orchestrated a plan that includes the very best for us. He has offered us abundant life when we choose to live in relationship with Him. We get invited to share inheritance as sons and daughters of the Most High God. That, dear friends, is overwhelming.