Try harder...why not?

"A pitiful, sickly, and self-centered kind of prayer and a determined effort and selfish desire to be right with God are never found in the New Testament. The fact that I am trying to be right with God is actually a sign that I am rebelling against the atonement by the Cross of Christ."

Those were the words that opened my devotional today after I picked it up for the first time in over a month. That's right ,*gasp* I haven't had a quiet time in over a month. I haven't been in scripture other than during church in that long, and my prayers have been pretty rough too. I'd like to pretend that I'm some super Christian who has everything figured out 100% of the time, and I'd really like to pretend I have a good reason for missing those vital things for so long. I don't. I have, however, found myself begging God to help me try harder or to make my relationship closer or to give me the desire to get in the Word. In fact, those were my intentions today when I was very quickly put in my place with the above exerpt. I have been, for no particular reason, in one of those ridiculous valleys that come with the Christian walk. I wanted God to make me able to fix myself.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to Justin Beadles and his family. Justin was a beloved pastor to me because he was the most transparent Christian authority figure I have ever met. He was incredibly real with us in every aspect of his life. As one member put it, he made it okay to fail. A lot of times, Christians are perceived by others and pretend to be people who don't mess up. I am blown away by how contradictory that is to the Gospel. It teaches about a people who are completely dead in sin, but redeemed by a loving God. There is nowhere in scripture that says we have the ability or the duty to "be good" apart from Christ. Romans 3:12 says "All have turned aside, together they have become useless; There is none who does good, there is not even one."

I'm pretty sure I will continue to attempt to fix myself time and time again. I can't seem to get away from the idea of "trying harder". For today, I want to rest in that Christ died to pay for my brokeness, and I don't have the responsibility to fix myself. When I take time to consider the amazing truth in that I can spend time talking with my Creator, quiet time is not a burden, but an amazing privledge. The Gospel is a truth that many of us have heard time and time again.  Never underestimate its power to change your life, and never forget to apply it to every aspect of it.

Another JB quote for today, "God's sovereignty isn't to be wrestled with, but rested in."

Beautiful Chaos

Many of you have asked about my first day of work so I decided to just give you the story here. Enjoy!

I'll start by telling you about my Monday. I had a long to-do list for Monday to prepare me for my first week of work. Some things I really wanted to do was have a long (long for me) run, plan out some new meals for the next two weeks, and do some intense grocery shopping for those meals. Instead, I woke up at 5 a.m. vomitting. I prayed it would be one time and over, but that wasn't the case. It continued throughout the day. I never left the couch more than 5 minutes. If you know me, you know that the absolute worst kind of sickness to me is nausea and vomiting. I truly hate it. After throwing up a glass of water I drank around noon...very painfully...I laid on the bathroom floor and cried. It was no fun. Sorry for the graphic details...that's the nurse in me. My day was made much better by the afternoon when the sweetest friend in the world, Jessica Lowe  brought me a survival kit with Gatorade, 4 different anti-nausea medicines to choose from, magazines, chicken noodle soup, and saltine crackers. She also cooked dinner for Bryan and brought it over so it was one less thing I had to worry about. When Bryan got home, he waited on me hand and foot and also went grocery shopping for the essential things to get us through the week until I could go grocery shopping. The service these two provided to me really made me get through the day. Absolute blessings.

I went to bed at 9 p.m. after taking 2 Dramamine to calm residual nausea and hopefully help me sleep. Help me sleep it did. It helped me so much that I didn't hear either of the alarms I set. I woke up at 6:20 a.m. (the time I had planned to leave my house) and screamed "You have GOT to be kidding me!" I proceeded to throw things around and turn on every light completely disregarding my sweet sleeping husband. I was very weak and had that disgusting cold clammy sweat that felt like it might lead to passing out any minute. Luckily, I clocked into work at 6:45 a.m. (when I was supposed to be there) looking rough as ever and feeling just about the same.

I was doing well until about 8:30 a.m. when I almost passed out after standing too long in a patient's room. I was thankful that they soon switched me to follow the Unit Clerk for the rest of the day. Not only did that allow much more sitting, but also I got to learn a lot about charting, orders, and the computer system. Those are all things I had little confidence about and understand much better now. Another absolute blessing.

My co-workers are fantastic. They are all very welcoming and sweet. I felt like I fit in from the first moment. I love that the nurse manager is so willing to just walk up to me and teach me things. Everyone seems to have confidence in me even if I don't have it in myself, and that is so reassuring. I think I will fit in very well on this unit, and I am so very pleased. Today my permit posted so tomorrow I get to go to work with a fancy "Graduate Nurse" badge instead of my "Nurse Tech" one. I'm pretty dang excited about that...especially since it adds an additional $11 per hour to my pay.

I'm still nervous about what is to come, but I'm also very thankful for the little reminders that even in the chaos, life is beautiful. As always, God is good.

Hello World

Today I sat in a classroom with 58 of my favorite people for the last time and took the final test of my undergraduate college career. This is supposed to be one of the biggest celebrations of my life, but all I have been doing all day is crying! It's embarrassing to be so sad when everyone else is so happy. In some ways, it makes me feel ungrateful for the huge accomplishment. I've been trying to figure out what my deal is and here are some things I've discovered:

• I was not supposed to graduate college. By all statistics out there kids with lives like mine don't grow up and become college graduates. It wasn't preached to me everyday to go get my degree. It was assumed I'd find the best job possible with my high school diploma, if I even attained that. When I decided to go to college, I was the first in my family to ever do so and it was almost as if I was turning my back on "where I had come from" to some extent. Don't get me wrong, my family was proud, but they never understood what I was doing or why. Not only am I graduating college, I'm doing so with a 4.0 overall GPA. I say that to say how overwhelming it feels. I do not feel for one second worthy of such a huge accomplishment. I'm crying because some people in this world don't even get to finish elementary level education, but I get to graduate from college. Let me never ever take that for granted.
• All I have ever known was school. I began going to daycare before I can remember. I have been in a school setting literally my entire life. It's no secret I'm good at school. Who wants to quit something they are good at? I am beyond terrified to start work as a nurse and begin real life. I grew up at a young age because of how my family life was. I knew how to manage money, work, and be self-sufficient. I'm not scared of those things. I am, however, terrified to know what it is like to only work. It's also pretty obvious I don't do well with change. I'm a duck, not an eagle. If it's not broken, don't fix it. School was going just fine...but we just "fixed" it. 
• I seriously LOVE the people I have grown to know in these 4 years. Leaving high school was hard. We had a small class of just over 60 students. Leaving college feels like leaving family. These people aren't just students. They are my friends...my friends that share a common goal in life to serve others...my friends that have experienced some of the most important moments in my life. I know we will "stay in touch", but I also know the reality of life is I will likely stay close friends with very few of them. They will all move on and begin their lives, make new friends, and move on. I will do the same. I know that is part of life, and I know those are wonderful things. Right now, though, it just hurts. I don't want new friends. I want these friends.

I think for today, I'm going to cry. I don't think there is any shame in feeling overwhelmingly grateful, terrified, and even sad. All of those emotions are the cause of the lump that hasn't left my throat since about 5:30 a.m. It goes without saying that I am also incredibly excited to start a new journey in life. This won't be the end of school for me, just school as I know it. I know the Lord has more in store for me than I can imagine, and I don't think it's His goal to keep me comfortable. I rest in knowing He is good.  I give all thanks to Him for 4 of the best years of my life.

Hello world, my name is Katy Trotty, BSN.

Blessed

Blessed. I feel like this is kind of like the word love. English just doesn't do it justice. I mean there is agape love, phileo love, and eros love just to name a few. We use the same word to describe our feelings for food as we do for the most important people in our lives. Blessed, like love, doesn't offer enough emphasis to the emotions it provokes. Lucky doesn't do it because it leaves it up to chance. I'm more of a believer that someone God is in control.

I am blessed. Yesterday I turned 22, and I got a glimpse of just how blessed I am. I woke up to two amazing friends singing me happy birthday with a cupcake and a candle on my porch at midnight to start the day right. I can't forget to mention that they toughed out pouring rain to make sure they could follow through with this. My husband later bought me gorgeous flowers and treated me like a queen for the day. When I walked into a meeting for school everyone suddenly burst into singing "happy birthday", some of these people who knew me and others who didn't. Finally, I ended the day with close to 30 friends (I didn't count all who came.) enjoying a night of fun with me. Some of the closest who gave me a gift card for $150 so I could buy the Garmin watch I've been wanting for running. These people love me. Most of them think I've helped their lives in some way. What they don't know is the impact they've had on mine. The smiles they have put on my face and the friendship they have given me is completely irreplaceable.

Bryan and I have been a little concerned about finances for the beginning of summer. We were trying really hard to not deplete our first savings that we were so thankfully able to accumulate since January. I wasn't supposed to start work until June 20, but our funds were slowly dwindling. We had been talking about this often, and I have probably done the math a million times. It doesn't help that I need a whole new wardrobe of scrubs to start work, and I really wanted a few more things to finish our house before family visited at graduation. Yesterday I got an email saying I could start work earlier than the original June 20 start date. Today I got $457.90 credited to my bank account for an award I was selected for from my amazing nursing professors. I had no clue this award existed, and I definitely didn't know it included money. When I realized what had happened, all I could do was cry.

I have absolutely no doubt that God is behind every single good thing that has happened in the past week. I am first grateful to Him for this love that I am so undeserving of. Not only do I have His unending love, but I have the love all of these people in my life. The past weeks have had some trials, but the Lord has once again proven so faithful to overwhelm me with His goodness. His timing is perfect. His methods are flawless. He is good.

Happy Birthday Chris

Tomorrow is my little cousin Christopher's 21 birthday. He will spend it in prison. Not only will he spend it in prison, but he will know that this is the first birthday of his life without his father (who we lost one month ago today), the most important man in his life. Christopher was my first friend. He was the most important peer in my life until I was about 10 or 11 years old. We spent the night together every single night. We played together. He was my best friend in the world. Having been only 358 days younger than me and the only other kid around you can imagine how close the bond was.

I think this was Christmas. We had a lot of fun together.

Tonight, I will go to sleep in my comfortable bed in my safe house. I will kiss my loving husband goodnight and set my alarm on my iPhone. I will wake up tomorrow and take a few steps to get a little closer to finishing my first college degree in just under a month. I have a car (even if it is in the shop), a closet full of clothes, and a group of people surrounding me that love and support me. I have wonderful influences. I have people that are challenging me daily to be a better person.

I grew up in almost the exact same environment as Christopher. We lived next door to each other for much of our lives and only a couple blocks away for the rest. Our parents lived the same lifestyles. We both came from poor families. Why do I get to be different? What happened? I'm by no means knocking the justice system that is punishing my cousin for his mistakes. I'm questioning what led him to make those mistakes and me not to. I'm no more deserving of this life than him. It was all about a few wrong choices, a sequence of mistakes. Life can change so fast.

We are broken. We all are. We all make mistakes. Tonight I'm humbled that my mistakes haven't put me in prison or cost me my family. Tonight, I will try not to take for granted my freedom to live, but more importantly my freedom in Christ. I am humbled by the grace that set me apart. I am completely undeserving and humbled beyond belief.

Happy birthday Christopher. I love you.

The Bright Side

I always chuckle a little when I hear the statement, "The devil has been busy." I don't really know why but something about it just makes me laugh. I picture a little red guy with a pitch fork running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Quite realistic, right? Needless to say, I don't really use that phrase, but it seems so appropriate for my life these past few weeks.

If it isn't one thing it's another. We had the death of my uncle, Bryan found out he doesn't get to start grad school this year as we'd hoped due to some stupid technicalities, my alternator went out and cost $300 to fix, I was exposed to Hepatitis B and C at clinical, and to top it off my bookshelf collapsed about 5 minutes ago. That's just what I can remember from the top of my head within the past 2 weeks!

I should feel kind of like this bookshelf. It wasn't at all meant to carry that much weight so when the smallest piece of support (my book that I was excited to read) was taken away, it collapsed.

Let me just say that somehow, my spirits aren't broken. The biggest of these obstacles (probably only because it is the most recent) is me being exposed to Hepatitis B and C. I am so thankful for immunizations so I don't have to worry at all about the Hep B. The doctors said I have less than a 1% chance of contracting Hep C. Those are really small odds, but that's not what's most comforting. I believe God is sovereign and He wasn't surprised by this. He is in perfect control and I am "Safe" in His arms. If I have Hep C, then I will find a way to show Him through it. Can you imagine the people I could reach with that kind of disease?! People who wouldn't ever consider listening to me would if they knew that kind of story. It could be amazing. Am I wishing for it? NO! Am I going to make the most of it? Yes. I won't know for months or even more than a year if I have contracted the disease. I won't live that time in fear. The doctors told me I don't have to follow any special precautions and to live as if I am not infected since the chance is so very low. I'll do that and leave the rest to Him.

There are so many things that can get you down in life. I could very easily be having a huge pity party. Life is so much better from the bright side. Have you found something to smile about today?

Remember, Smile.

These past few days have been hard. On Saturday, we found my Uncle Bobby dead in his trailer. I'll preface this by saying that my Uncle Bobby might as well have been my mother's son. She is a very co-dependent person and she enabled took care of him for his entire life. He lived on her property, in her trailer, rent free. He ate her food daily. She bought his groceries, and cigarettes, and beer. He was a huge part of her life. He was a part of my life, and at one point a huge part, but lots has happened in the past few years that have made him a little more distant. Regardless, these days have been so hard. Here are a few reasons why:

• My family is broken. When I say broken, I really mean it. I'd rather not air all the junk, but we have so many issues. Drugs, alcohol, poverty, prison, abuse, and enmeshed boundaries are just a few. 
• I am the black sheep. I am unlike any member of my family excluding my Aunt Wanda who isn't really accepted by the rest of the family. I don't know how I am so different. I constantly ask God. I praise Him for setting me apart. 
• When tragedy strikes, I'm the strong one. This is not because I'm strong. By all definitions of the word, I am not a strong person. Somehow, I always play the part. 
• My mother is in complete denial. Some of the things I've heard her say: "Don't take him! Leave him here with me. I can take care of him." (In reference to his dead, and decaying, body) "Okay, he's been gone for 2 days now. It's time for him to come back home." If you mix those statements with the sound of her frail, weeping voice....well I don't think that needs further explanation.
• In the midst of tragedy, life goes on. The same problems that existed before Saturday, exist now. They just seem a lot heavier right now.

I said all of that to talk about the amazing blessing in my life. My husband. My story will speak for itself. Today, when I got home I had a CD made titled "Remember Smile :)" and a letter that read like this:

"Took some time out of studying to work on something for you. You are the love of my life. It hurts to know that you are hurting and hurts even more to know you dug this hole to bury it away in your heart. This is to let you know that you don't have to bury anything. This is a CD that I hope encourages you to live for today. Use today to love someone you never thought you could love and forgive in ways you couldn't believe. Not because you have to but because Christ died to give you the ability to love and forgive as He did. To experience a life that is safe and give you the ability to smile even on the days you feel like you can't. God came from heaven to rescue you because He loves you and to show you what it means to be beloved and cherished. Sometimes every one of us feels like we'll never be healed. Every one of us aches like we'll never be saved, like we never atone for all the love we've known. We were born sinners but a door was open for us to be among God in heaven but to live on earth like we are already there. You are not here by mistake my love. You are here, at the lowest point you could be, only to be used to love as Christ loved. That is an honor beyond belief. It's hard. I know. I thank God you are who you are and He has brought you here to be more than you could imagine. I'm so proud of you. Thanks for the love and marriage I never thought I'd have. Thanks for showing God in ways I couldn't believe. I thank God for you every second. This is just for encouragement. This is for you to pick your head up while the tears still fall. Look up in the bright blue sky or sparkling stars...and smile."

He was sure to mention that parts of the letter were lyrics from a song he liked. Regardless, my husband is amazing. God is good. He put me right here and gave me just what I needed to keep going.