Big Girls Don't Cry

Or do they? I seem to have been crying an awful lot in the past few days. Let me tell you why.

For the past two years I have gradually felt more and more like a "big girl nurse". First semester was a huge step because I could wear scrubs, go to the hospital, and even take your blood pressure! Surely that's what nursing is about right? Second semester I could start IV! Third semester I knew the code to get in ICU and I had my own patient there where I drew blood from central lines, calculated drips, and measured intracranial pressure. That's pretty "big girl" if you ask me. Fouth semester I got to go to clinical without an instructor for 12 whole hours! June 1st came and I took my NCLEX. The state of Texas decided I was a "big girl nurse".

I began working May 23rd, and some of you may remember how crazy that first day experience was for me from my previous post you can read here. I have been working for the past 3 months with a preceptor over me. While I have gradually gained my independence in caring for my patients there has always been another nurse behind the scenes who was responsible for the same patients as I was, would help me as needed, and answer any questions I had. I have been blessed with some wonderful nurses watching out for me.

Thursday I woke up and headed to the hospital like any other day. I knew my orientation period was coming to a close, but I thought I would be with a preceptor for the rest of the month. I was shocked to see that I had been put on my own. What? My orientation is over? Just like that? I was flabbergasted. (I like that word in case you are wondering.) Immediately fear won me over and I began to cry for time number one of the day. It's impossible for me to explain the day I had without breaking HIPPA, but lets just say it was far worse of a day than I had ever experienced in orientation all three months. I had 3 nurses, one being my director of nursing, on the floor helping me to get everything done that needed to be. I was at the hospital charting until 10pm. That makes for 16 hours folks. That's a long day when you have to come back the next. Over the course of Thursday I cried about 4 times trying my best to go places and hide so no one would see me. I don't like to be the emotional one.

Friday morning I sat on my couch, called my mom and cried to her explaining that I was scared to go back to work because I never wanted to feel the way I did Thursday. She calmed me reminding me that every day wouldn't be that terrible and things would get better as time went on. I had plenty of reassurance from friends and family that days wouldn't always be like that, but for some reason I was still so unbelievably overtaken by fear. Friday came and went. It was busy, but nothing like Thursday, and I am so grateful for that!

I guess you can say now that I'm officially a "big girl nurse" taking patients on my own. While my first day was pretty rough I'm going to keep a positive attitude knowing that the Lord works even through terrible days. Anxiety is definitely a mountain I'm climbing with Matthew 6:25-33 in mind constantly. I cannot wait to get to a point in my career where I can look on this time and laugh. I know that time is coming, and until then I'll just keep doing the best I can and take every opportunity as a learning experience.

I couldn't have made it through this week without my amazing co-workers, family, friends, and especially God.

I'll end with my favorite line from an old movie "Emperors New Groove":
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.
Bring. It. On.