"A pitiful, sickly, and self-centered kind of prayer and a determined effort and selfish desire to be right with God are never found in the New Testament. The fact that I am trying to be right with God is actually a sign that I am rebelling against the atonement by the Cross of Christ."
Those were the words that opened my devotional today after I picked it up for the first time in over a month. That's right ,*gasp* I haven't had a quiet time in over a month. I haven't been in scripture other than during church in that long, and my prayers have been pretty rough too. I'd like to pretend that I'm some super Christian who has everything figured out 100% of the time, and I'd really like to pretend I have a good reason for missing those vital things for so long. I don't. I have, however, found myself begging God to help me try harder or to make my relationship closer or to give me the desire to get in the Word. In fact, those were my intentions today when I was very quickly put in my place with the above exerpt. I have been, for no particular reason, in one of those ridiculous valleys that come with the Christian walk. I wanted God to make me able to fix myself.
Yesterday, we said goodbye to Justin Beadles and his family. Justin was a beloved pastor to me because he was the most transparent Christian authority figure I have ever met. He was incredibly real with us in every aspect of his life. As one member put it, he made it okay to fail. A lot of times, Christians are perceived by others and pretend to be people who don't mess up. I am blown away by how contradictory that is to the Gospel. It teaches about a people who are completely dead in sin, but redeemed by a loving God. There is nowhere in scripture that says we have the ability or the duty to "be good" apart from Christ. Romans 3:12 says "All have turned aside, together they have become useless; There is none who does good, there is not even one."
I'm pretty sure I will continue to attempt to fix myself time and time again. I can't seem to get away from the idea of "trying harder". For today, I want to rest in that Christ died to pay for my brokeness, and I don't have the responsibility to fix myself. When I take time to consider the amazing truth in that I can spend time talking with my Creator, quiet time is not a burden, but an amazing privledge. The Gospel is a truth that many of us have heard time and time again. Never underestimate its power to change your life, and never forget to apply it to every aspect of it.
Another JB quote for today, "God's sovereignty isn't to be wrestled with, but rested in."
