A few days ago I was cutting Noah's fingernails when I clipped then end of his finger making him bleed a lot. He didn't cry, but I felt horrible because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding. I went to find a band aid, and all I had was an adult-sized small one which was gigantic compared to his tiny finger. Once I got the band aid on, he went back to playing because he wasn't phased by his injury. I snapped a picture to send to a few of my closest mommy friends and captioned it "mom fail". As I looked up from checking my phone for their responses, I realized the band aid had disappeared and his hands were in his mouth. The mom-nurse in me started to panic. Oh no. He's going to choke on the band aid. He's going to choke on the band aid that he only needed because I cut his finger when I wasn't careful enough. I would have noticed the band aid come off if I wasn't looking at my phone. I put my finger in his mouth to try to find it, but not too far because I didn't want to push it further back. I couldn't find it. More panic filled me. After about 20 seconds of pure panic, I found the band aid stuck to his foot. I sighed with relief, and thought to myself "mom fail times two".
The term "fail" has become pretty popular in recent years to talk about someone not doing something well. It has caught on with moms as well which is why each of my friends knew what I was feeling when I typed those two words. When we say "mom fail" to one another, it is mostly so we can have friends to laugh with us about the crazy mistakes we make in our journey of motherhood. The problem is that deep down, it doesn't feel funny. We laugh because that's all we know how to do. At my core, though, I'm really terrified of being a failure as a mother. And it isn't funny. It's not just the bleeding fingers or choking on band aids. It's the kid who is disobedient and disrespectful or the adolescent who breaks the law. It is the adult who doesn't know how to care for himself, or worse, is hurtful to others.
Right after this incident, I read this: "Things like 'mommy guilt' cannot crush us because Christ was crushed on the cross in our stead. Jesus is our consistency, he fulfilled God's highest expectations of perfection, and in him all the promises of God find their Yes (2 Cor. 1:20)." -Gloria Furman in Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full
Yes. Amen. Thank you Lord. That feeling deep down that seems like it will never go away...the one that makes you doubt every decision you make because you are terrified they will somehow negatively affect the rest of your life...you can let it go. He fulfilled the highest expectations of perfection. He was crushed in our stead. You were a failure, but He took your place.
 |
| cute little injured finger |
