1. I am so selfish. Almost every expectation I had for Noah's life was centered around my own comfort or ability to "function" as a mother. Sure, I care about his well being...more than you can imagine, but it seems I care about myself a little more most times. I'm embarrassed to tell you that there are times I thought to myself, "Noah will not win this battle because I'm going to get what I want." Guess what...he always wins. And I think that's exactly how God intended it. The sanctification continues.
2. Comparison is the theft of joy. I need to say that again. Comparison is the theft of joy. I used to have a sign in my room that said this. I thought I believed it and understood it. I was wrong. I have compared my experience until I'm blue in the face. I've asked and read about other moms to confirm they are experiencing the same troubles as me. And always....no matter how encouraging, I end up feeling a little less than par. That deep need within me to feel adequate cannot be filled with seeing that I am just as good, or better, than other moms. It can only be filled with Jesus. Only He can satisfy. His blood covers me, and because of that and that alone, I am accepted, righteous, and redeemed.
3. Sometimes God lets you choose: bike or scooter. Years ago I heard a sermon that talked about God's will for our lives. One of the main points made was that God wants us to know Him and live in relationship with Him, but on some choices in life (like our job or where we live), he lets us choose. It's like He has put a brand new bike and scooter in front of you and let's you decide which you prefer as long as you glorify Him while doing it. I have come to think there are many parenting decisions that are like this. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has an opinion about the best way to raise your child. Breast feed. Bottle feed. Pacifier. No Pacifier. Sleep train. Rock them to sleep. Let them cry. Leave them to be. Those are just a few that have plagued me in these couple of months. What God has reminded me is that my goal for Noah is that He knows Jesus deeply. Not that he adopts my relationship with God or goes to church often, but that He has a personal experience with God that leads Him to choose to follow Him with his heart and his life. And honestly WHO CARES how he eats or sleeps or plays? Those things are way less important than every parenting guru wants you to believe. I get to choose what works best for Noah and for our family. And that is okay! There is so much freedom in letting go of the lies that tell me I will somehow mess him up if I make the wrong decision.
4. Grace is sufficient. This is probably the most important of all. I am a control freak. We covered that in my last blog. We've probably covered that with every encounter I've ever had with you. It's hard for me to truly let it sink in that I will make mistakes. I realize how horrible that sounds. Trust me, it doesn't feel great either. But as the perfectionist, good kid I have spent most of my life getting by like I have it all together. I don't. Not even a little. I will make so many mistakes being Noah's mom that it's not even funny. The most beautiful thing in the entire world is that God's grace is sufficient for me. Not just for my mistakes, but for the ugly part of my heart that believes I shouldn't be making them. He is good, and His grace is enough.
A couple days into being parents, someone texted Bryan and asked him how thing were going. He replied telling them that it was "so fun". I read his message and wept. I didn't understand how he could say this was fun. It was not fun for me. It was hard and scary and frustrating and not fun. That was a very short season because when I hold that sweet baby in my arms all I can think about is that this is SO VERY FUN!
