This is hard for him too. In case you don't know, I really love my husband. This is not one of those shout-outs that says we have the perfect marriage, and he does no wrong. Our marriage has been hard. It has lots of ugly, messy moments. Thanks to a loving God and a lot of grace, it is redeemed. God uses Bryan every day to show me a picture of the way He loves me. Bryan has completely changed the way I view fatherhood, and he has so much wisdom about how to love Noah well. A few days ago after Noah fought and fought to go to sleep, I was really exhausted and began to get frustrated. Bryan calmly looked over with a smile on his face and reminded me that this is hard for Noah too. He isn't fighting sleep to make my life miserable. He lived inside of me up until 4 months ago, and it may take him a little time to figure this out. It's so easy to feel like he is intentionally making my life hard when I'm emotional and sleep deprived, but thankfully Bryan reminded me how absolutely silly those feelings are.
Today matters more than tomorrow. Ever since Noah was born, I have struggled with spending way too much time thinking about his future. Every decision I make, small or large, I weigh the outcomes to try to determine how it might affect him in the future. For sleep, this has been exceptionally difficult because every "expert" has a magical sleep solution that will either make your child a baby genius or ruin them. I'm pretty convinced at this point that they are all fakes because if we really knew how to make babies sleep there wouldn't be so many books about it. I still buy into the lie, though, that I'm going to do something that ruins him forever. I do think it's important to think about decisions and how they will affect Noah's future. The problem with the extreme I live in is that we aren't promised tomorrow. I spend so much time thinking about tomorrow that I cannot enjoy...and survive...today. Scripture is full of truth reminding us to live today, and it's time to rest in that truth.
There's always something great to focus on. I am so thankful that early in my journey of motherhood God taught me the importance of not comparing. I have felt SO MUCH freedom by choosing resist that urge. I would be lying, though, if I didn't tell you that it is still a struggle. It is hard to watch other people sleep so well when you aren't. I can choose to focus on how Noah compares to other kids, in sleep or in numerous other areas, or I can choose to enjoy Noah just as he is. Let me just tell you that he is really great. He is so laid back. He smiles constantly. He loves to play with his toys. He just learned to blow raspberries, and so he does it nonstop like when he finishes eating and as he's falling asleep. It might be the cutest thing I have ever seen. Guys, this kid is better than I could have ever hoped or dreamed. I'll focus on that.
Kingdom perspective is key. Every single obstacle that comes in life comes with a choice of how I will view it. Honestly, some things life brings may be undoubtedly unbearable. However, John 16:33 says "In the world you will have troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world". This can be easily overlooked if you don't know the One who spoke those words. He is the author of life. He is God. He will restore everything to Himself. He became sin so that I could become righteous. He is my sustainer, my joy, my peace, and my hope. Compared to the gospel, sleep is incredibly insignificant.
I'll end with a quote about perspective from a book I'm reading by Gloria Furman. "When I view motherhood not as a gift from God to make me holy but rather as a role with tasks that get in my way, I am missing out on one of God's ordained means of spiritual growth in my life. Not only that, but I am missing out on enjoying God. No amount of mommy angst can compare to the misery that comes from a life devoid of the comforting, encouraging, guarding, providing, satisfying, presence of our holy God."
