Six months...and counting.

On November 23rd I had been officially working for 6 months. On December 2nd I will have had my license for 6 months. Wow. Who knew 6 months would go so fast? It makes me think this 3 year contract...and my life for that matter...will fly by. I remember writing not too long ago about my chaotic first day and about my terrifying first experience on my on.

One of the first few days by myself I checked a blood sugar and the monitor read "low". For those that aren't familiar that means the sugar is so low it doesn't give you a number. A low sugar is worse than a high one. My patient was slightly confused already, but it seemed she was symptomatic. I remember panicking. I ran and called another nurse to stay with her while I grabbed juice, crackers, and called the doctor. I wound up getting an order to push D50 and right before I started the other nurse said, "Did you check it again?" Oh. My. Goodness. Here I am giving this lady D50 and I didn't even check it twice! Praise God the reading was accurate and her sugar barely came to normal after the intervention. Now when I get a sugar that reads "high" or "low" I laugh every time at my calm approach to intervention and mostly at my incredible improvement in nursing judgement from my first time. It's amazing what your brain can accomplish when not clouded by fear.

I tell that story to give you a glimpse of the progress I have made. I have gone from the girl who questioned every decision I made to being the girl who has confidence to handle a floor of 7 patients by myself with one aide. Do I still have questions? OF COURSE! I always will. I am by no means a pro, but I am learning and that is comforting. I still have bad days where I am at the hospital hours after I should be, but they are now the minority.  I have been blessed with the most amazing coworkers who are completely unselfish with their time and talents and make my job worthwhile. I have been graced by some of the sweetest patients one could imagine.

I am a nurse. This statement has had a ton of meanings over the last few years. I am so very excited to see what definition it has in the coming years.

Pursue it.

"Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." Psalm 34:14

I have loved this Psalm for a long time, but for the past few days I have been reading it and really trying to digest everything in it. There is so much I think I could dwell on each verse for weeks. For today, I want to tell you about this one.

These seem like such simple commandments...for believers and not. I think I have gotten the first part for a long time. At least that's what I tell myself. I've always been the "good girl" who chose to hang around with the crowd who doesn't get into much trouble. I've never really been the type of girl you would say who hangs out and does "evil" necessarily...at least in the world's eyes. I also have always been the one who wanted everyone to get along. I never understood why when having 10 friends who were girls I had to hang out with them in packs because some didn't like the others. I never understood why my mom and I had huge fights during my teen years (like any teenager and her parents) and why the neighbors were so mean when we were the new kids. I never understood things like war and famine. Those are just silly examples, but overall I always wanted everything to be peaceful. On the surface, I'm a kind hearted girl who defnitely follows this not-so-simple command.

You see, the problem here is with my heart. I can put on a good show for the world to see so that I fall into the category with those who are "good people" (whatever that means) and who likes everyone to get along. The problem is my heart is evil. It doesn't just do evil, it is evil. Everything within me wants to reject the truth of the Gospel and live my life as if it isn't real. Even though I say I want to seek peace I find my heart wanting to know the dirt on the person sitting next to me whether it's a concious decision or not.

What a conviction this simple commandment brings! To turn from evil and do good is to live as Jesus lived. It is to choose with every decision to be as He was. To seek peace is to want it, but to pursue it is to have it. It is time to live like Jesus died for my sins and the sins of others and like He is coming back to get us! The gospel isn't something that should change my life the day I first believe in Christ, it is something that should shape every second of my life as a believer. I want to be the light of Christ to others. I want to truly turn from evil and do good. I want to not only seek peace, but to pursue it day in and day out. Some days are better than others as I know each of you have experienced. I am so thankful for a God who died for me knowing I would go a lifetime and never really get it right. I'm thankful for a Gospel that saves every day.

Today is one of those days that I pray: Come Jesus come. Come quickly. Come quickly.

Sweet to the Soul

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Proverbs 16:24

"Hello love, I just wanted to tell you that I love you dearly. You make my life so easy, so peaceful, and so joyful. You are a HUGE blessing in my life. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you so much for being the love of my life. Thank you for working your tail off to help support and hold this family together. Thank you for loving God before loving me. Thank you for just being you. :)"

I have been having some really hard days at work. Not only are they hard physically, they are so hard emotionally. I have worked 16 hours about once a week. I have definitely had a problem with caring too much and bringing my patients home with me. I have just truly began to experience the difficult side of being a nurse. It shows. I am a positive person, but lately I have been so negative. It is tearing me up. I worked some overtime and had a few really hard emotional situations and I feel like it took a toll on me. My husband has taken it every day when I come home in tears so exhausted I just collapse into bed until it's time to get up and go again. My husband has encouraged me every step of the way. After having one of these days Thursday, I came home to roses, a Lady Antebellum CD, and a card that contained the above message. I immediately felt rejuvinated.

I'm not going to even stretch the truth far enough to say I won't have bad days. I wouldn't even dare say I won't be negative anymore and that I will learn overnight to give the appropirate amount of care to my patients but not bring those emotions home with me. I will say that for this week in my exhaustion my husband served as a light to me to point me back to the Lord and to give me some hope as I keep pushing. Those two words were sweetness to my soul and health to my body. Thank you.

30 Thoughts on DC

As most of you know I spent September 1st through 5th in Washington DC visiting my best friend. This was my first time on an airplane and a train as well as my first real vacation in my opinion. It would take several pages of writing to cover all of the things I experienced. Instead I'm going to share with you some thoughts I wrote down on a notepad to help me remember the experience. They are very random one liners that I will elaborate on as needed. I will also try to put them in as much order as possible. At the end, I'll include some of my favorite pictures from the trip. Enjoy!

1. Clouds are gorgeous. My first thought was "What a wonderful Maker!"'
2. All states look the same from an airplane. This was my daytime thought. More on night soon.
3. Airplanes are boring. Also a daytime thought. The night ride was much better.
4. Metro is fast. This is referring to the speed of travel as well as the opening and closing of the doors for exiting and entering. You had to be quick!
5. People in DC not very friendly.
6. Air and Space over my head...literally.
7. Supreme Court building all marble- beautiful and bright!
8. Ian Capitol tour amazing! Brittany's boyfriend Ian works at the Capitol and gave us a tour. It was our favorite tour of all. He did a fantastic job.
9. Floor of Capitol kind of small. It looks big on CSPAN, but not so much in real life.
10. White House is cooler from the outside looking in. The inside just feels like a staged museum. I understand for safety reasons that they can't show us where the president actually lives, but it just felt unrealistic. It was much cooler from the outside.
11. I don't know history well. Oh boy. Mrs. Turner would be so disappointed.
12. MLK memorial was favorite. This was a brand new memorial. It had tons of wonderful quotes, and I really love quotes.
13. So glad dad isn't on Vietnam wall. I teared up seeing all of the names on this wall. I was so thankful that neither mine or Bryan's dad was one of them.
14. Thankful for military. DC had tons of memorials honoring the military. Politics aside, I am so very grateful for the work they do. I don't think I'll ever really understand the prices they pay. Thank you. Thank you so much.
15. Homeless people are devestating. I saw my first homeless child. He was probably 3. My heart crumbled. These people aren't on the side of the road begging for money. They are sleeping under cardboard boxes in the metro stations. They are homeless. I am humbled.
16. Crime and Punishment Museum so fun.
17. Chinatown scary = me shallow. It was scary. I am shallow for that being my only thought.
18. Interracial couples are normal. We didn't get any dirty looks in DC when we held hands. It was nice.
19. National Zoo and Aquarium kind of lame.
20. Wax Museum hilarious.
21. Georgetown Cupcakes would definitely win cupcake wars. These were the most delicious dessert I have ever had. Really. I wish I could ship them to Nac regularly.
22. National Archives nothing like National Treasure. I just really love National Treasure.
23. Husband is awesome. I realized this trip more than ever that my husband makes huge sacrifices to be sure that my comfort comes before his. He constantly made sure I had a seat on the metro before he did. He gave me the window seat on the plane even though it was only his second time to fly. He carried both of our bags. He is the most selfless person I have ever met. I am so lucky to be his wife.
24. Travel is expensive. We went over budget just a bit, but it was way worth it.
25. Brittany's planning makes life so easy. Minute by minute itenarary. I know when I take my next vacation without her, I'll really miss this.
26. Firting with my husband throughout our whole trip- unforgettable. ;) so fun.
27. Watching TV is worth the 8 bucks. Criminal Minds wasn't so scary on the plane ride back. In fact, it made our flight go by much quicker and was much more enjoyable!
28. Flying above storms feels supernatural. On our way back we were above the storm clouds covering the East Coast. It was beautiful and weird at the same time.
29. Plane at night- WOW! Oh-em-gee. The lights of a city look amazing from the seat of a plane. I love Christmas, and it just reminded me of lots of gorgeous Christmas lights.
30. Seeing Liz was wonderful, and we love Kingwood. We got to see my dear friend Liz on our way home because she lives in Kingwood. Bryan and I decided Kingwood would be a nice place to live one day. It's only a little over an hour from home and gives us just enough "big city".

Stephen F. Austin in the Capitol. We had to represent!

There goes the train!

This was one of them many quotes at the MLK memorial. This one was one of my favorites.

Brittany and I right outside her school. There are one of these marking all four corners of her campus. The campus is nothing like what a college campus here looks like. Instead it's several buildings on a city block.

Ian and I riding the train in the tunnel connecting the buildings of the Captiol.

This quote made me want to cry. The Department of Veterans Affairs has helped my dad tremendously. I'm thankful for the work they do.

I am standing right above the empty tomb where George Washington was to be build. The problem is Washington died before it was finished. The place I'm standing is also where NE, NW, SE, and SW Washington DC meet. It is also considered lucky to stand here.  

Big Girls Don't Cry

Or do they? I seem to have been crying an awful lot in the past few days. Let me tell you why.

For the past two years I have gradually felt more and more like a "big girl nurse". First semester was a huge step because I could wear scrubs, go to the hospital, and even take your blood pressure! Surely that's what nursing is about right? Second semester I could start IV! Third semester I knew the code to get in ICU and I had my own patient there where I drew blood from central lines, calculated drips, and measured intracranial pressure. That's pretty "big girl" if you ask me. Fouth semester I got to go to clinical without an instructor for 12 whole hours! June 1st came and I took my NCLEX. The state of Texas decided I was a "big girl nurse".

I began working May 23rd, and some of you may remember how crazy that first day experience was for me from my previous post you can read here. I have been working for the past 3 months with a preceptor over me. While I have gradually gained my independence in caring for my patients there has always been another nurse behind the scenes who was responsible for the same patients as I was, would help me as needed, and answer any questions I had. I have been blessed with some wonderful nurses watching out for me.

Thursday I woke up and headed to the hospital like any other day. I knew my orientation period was coming to a close, but I thought I would be with a preceptor for the rest of the month. I was shocked to see that I had been put on my own. What? My orientation is over? Just like that? I was flabbergasted. (I like that word in case you are wondering.) Immediately fear won me over and I began to cry for time number one of the day. It's impossible for me to explain the day I had without breaking HIPPA, but lets just say it was far worse of a day than I had ever experienced in orientation all three months. I had 3 nurses, one being my director of nursing, on the floor helping me to get everything done that needed to be. I was at the hospital charting until 10pm. That makes for 16 hours folks. That's a long day when you have to come back the next. Over the course of Thursday I cried about 4 times trying my best to go places and hide so no one would see me. I don't like to be the emotional one.

Friday morning I sat on my couch, called my mom and cried to her explaining that I was scared to go back to work because I never wanted to feel the way I did Thursday. She calmed me reminding me that every day wouldn't be that terrible and things would get better as time went on. I had plenty of reassurance from friends and family that days wouldn't always be like that, but for some reason I was still so unbelievably overtaken by fear. Friday came and went. It was busy, but nothing like Thursday, and I am so grateful for that!

I guess you can say now that I'm officially a "big girl nurse" taking patients on my own. While my first day was pretty rough I'm going to keep a positive attitude knowing that the Lord works even through terrible days. Anxiety is definitely a mountain I'm climbing with Matthew 6:25-33 in mind constantly. I cannot wait to get to a point in my career where I can look on this time and laugh. I know that time is coming, and until then I'll just keep doing the best I can and take every opportunity as a learning experience.

I couldn't have made it through this week without my amazing co-workers, family, friends, and especially God.

I'll end with my favorite line from an old movie "Emperors New Groove":
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.
Bring. It. On.

Who decided it was good?

On the first day of fourth grade I walked into Mrs. Glenda William's class with my pink and purple heart-patterned tights and likely my hideous blue Winnie-the-Pooh scrunchie around my wrist. Immediately a little girl, not much different from myself (but probably a tad more stylish), sought me out to know the name of the new girl. What was nothing more than a nosey gesture started the best friendship of my life.

Brittany was the first friend I ever stayed the night with. When these sleepovers began in fourth grade they were unstoppable. We played Monopoly and laughed at the silliest things for hours like "the thimble rolls". We played Guess Who and accidently asked "Who's bed have your boots been under?" because we had been listening to Shania too much. We made up a dance to If You Wanna Be My Lover, and thought we were ready to win the talent show we never entered. We took baths together even though we were probably much too old- thank you Maw Maw. We spent hours writing how we hearted our crush of the week (or year if you count Blake Corkill) on a huge green beach ball. We "prank called" every business we could think of asking them what time they closed- rebels right?

Elementary ended quickly. Middle school was full of much more change and adventure. It was a must that we sat on the "prep bench" and didn't eat lunch. It was during middle school that we somewhat started to gain our personality and realize that we were two pretty different people. It didn't stop us though. Even though we each made new friends, Brittany was still the person I would call before anyone if I needed a real friend. We sat on the "prep bench" many times singing Lean On Me and Rodeo laughing hysterically.

While our differences became more evident, High School proved to be the time I grew to know my best friend for who she was and love her so much for that. During this time I watched her face tragedy like many people our age never know, and I watched it define her. She went on to get a full paid scholarship to The University of Texas and show just how amazing she was.

Brittany graduated UT in 3 years and immediately worked to change the world in her way. Tomorrow she will leave for Washington, DC where she will begin graduate school at The George Washington University to get a masters degree in Public Health Policy. The little nosey girl from fourth grade will go hundreds of miles away and continue to change lives. The point of this blog is to tell you how she changed mine.

Because of my best friend, I am definitely a better person. I have learned what it means to have a friend that will be there no matter how much they like you at the moment. I have learned what it means to love someone completely different from you. I have a friend who is brutally honest no matter how much it hurts because she loves me too much to lie. I have seen first hand someone who fights for what she believes and acheives her dreams. I can look at her life and be immediately challenged in my own.

I have the BEST best friend in the world. The only thing good about this goodbye is the person I'm saying it to.

Summer Update (because I couldn't think of anything clever to name this one)

It's been a while since I've written a post. There have been times where I've come, began to write, and erased it because I didn't think anyone would care to read about that particular subject. Thank you over-analytical brain. Since it's been so long, though, I just thought I'd write a quick update on life.

1. Work. I am getting settled in well at work. It's crazy though that everyday brings new emotions and new experiences. I guess that's the career I chose. Some days I come home feeling like I know exactly why I wanted to be a nurse and feeling like it is exactly where I belong. Other days I wonder who in their right mind would let me be in charge of someone's life and well being. Needless to say, my confidence has been pretty shaky lately. I guess it's only normal to feel this way. Maybe time will offer more reassurance and lots of better days. I do love being able to invest in people during important times in their lives. I don't really love all of the paperwork and technicalities that come with professional nursing.

2. Marriage. On Sunday, Bryan and I have been married for a whole year. That blows my mind. I don't know if it is crazier to me that we've been together for 5 or married for 1. I never thought marriage would be like this, but I love it so much. A good friend and mentor told us once, "Marriage isn't meant to make you happy, but to make you Holy." I'd say that's the theme of the year. I haven't had every dream fulfilled just because I'm married. I have however been drawn to and learned more about God than I ever dreamed. I am so thankful for a husband who so diligently points me to Christ. I am so very blessed.

3. Family. I miss my family a lot recently. I guess it is because I have been out of school and have much more free time. It's hard to make trips home, but it's easy to start missing our family dearly. I miss Madison and Clayton the most. I think about them all the time. Sometimes I plan out fun days that we could have together and think how much I would love to hear their precious laughs. I guess since we don't have kids (and don't plan to for a while) they are the closest thing I have to kids. I love living in Nacogdoches, but I wish I could see them more often.

4. Friends. This subject stings a little. This is what I've been calling the summer of goodbyes, and I hate it. I am not good at saying goodbye to people. It's almost like I go through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. So far this summer I feel like so many people have left. Tons of my nursing friends left after graduation, but thankfully many of the ones I was closest to stayed. Jaime and Melissa moved early June, Chip moved mid-June, and Justin and Heather left late June. Each of those people played a big role in my life one way or another, and it sucks to have seen them go. The hardest goodbye will be at the end of July. I have to send my best friend in the world, Brittany, off to DC to start her new journey at grad school. I am beyond proud of her accomplishments, and so honored to call her my best friend. A huge part of me wants to be selfish, though and keep her here forever. Luckily, Bryan and I will be going to visit her in DC September 1-5. This will be my first airplane ride! **gasp** I'm so excited for our trip. Brittany already has an itinerary planned by the minute, and I know it will be an experience of a lifetime.

Well...that's life for now. Until next time...

Try harder...why not?

"A pitiful, sickly, and self-centered kind of prayer and a determined effort and selfish desire to be right with God are never found in the New Testament. The fact that I am trying to be right with God is actually a sign that I am rebelling against the atonement by the Cross of Christ."

Those were the words that opened my devotional today after I picked it up for the first time in over a month. That's right ,*gasp* I haven't had a quiet time in over a month. I haven't been in scripture other than during church in that long, and my prayers have been pretty rough too. I'd like to pretend that I'm some super Christian who has everything figured out 100% of the time, and I'd really like to pretend I have a good reason for missing those vital things for so long. I don't. I have, however, found myself begging God to help me try harder or to make my relationship closer or to give me the desire to get in the Word. In fact, those were my intentions today when I was very quickly put in my place with the above exerpt. I have been, for no particular reason, in one of those ridiculous valleys that come with the Christian walk. I wanted God to make me able to fix myself.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to Justin Beadles and his family. Justin was a beloved pastor to me because he was the most transparent Christian authority figure I have ever met. He was incredibly real with us in every aspect of his life. As one member put it, he made it okay to fail. A lot of times, Christians are perceived by others and pretend to be people who don't mess up. I am blown away by how contradictory that is to the Gospel. It teaches about a people who are completely dead in sin, but redeemed by a loving God. There is nowhere in scripture that says we have the ability or the duty to "be good" apart from Christ. Romans 3:12 says "All have turned aside, together they have become useless; There is none who does good, there is not even one."

I'm pretty sure I will continue to attempt to fix myself time and time again. I can't seem to get away from the idea of "trying harder". For today, I want to rest in that Christ died to pay for my brokeness, and I don't have the responsibility to fix myself. When I take time to consider the amazing truth in that I can spend time talking with my Creator, quiet time is not a burden, but an amazing privledge. The Gospel is a truth that many of us have heard time and time again.  Never underestimate its power to change your life, and never forget to apply it to every aspect of it.

Another JB quote for today, "God's sovereignty isn't to be wrestled with, but rested in."

Beautiful Chaos

Many of you have asked about my first day of work so I decided to just give you the story here. Enjoy!

I'll start by telling you about my Monday. I had a long to-do list for Monday to prepare me for my first week of work. Some things I really wanted to do was have a long (long for me) run, plan out some new meals for the next two weeks, and do some intense grocery shopping for those meals. Instead, I woke up at 5 a.m. vomitting. I prayed it would be one time and over, but that wasn't the case. It continued throughout the day. I never left the couch more than 5 minutes. If you know me, you know that the absolute worst kind of sickness to me is nausea and vomiting. I truly hate it. After throwing up a glass of water I drank around noon...very painfully...I laid on the bathroom floor and cried. It was no fun. Sorry for the graphic details...that's the nurse in me. My day was made much better by the afternoon when the sweetest friend in the world, Jessica Lowe  brought me a survival kit with Gatorade, 4 different anti-nausea medicines to choose from, magazines, chicken noodle soup, and saltine crackers. She also cooked dinner for Bryan and brought it over so it was one less thing I had to worry about. When Bryan got home, he waited on me hand and foot and also went grocery shopping for the essential things to get us through the week until I could go grocery shopping. The service these two provided to me really made me get through the day. Absolute blessings.

I went to bed at 9 p.m. after taking 2 Dramamine to calm residual nausea and hopefully help me sleep. Help me sleep it did. It helped me so much that I didn't hear either of the alarms I set. I woke up at 6:20 a.m. (the time I had planned to leave my house) and screamed "You have GOT to be kidding me!" I proceeded to throw things around and turn on every light completely disregarding my sweet sleeping husband. I was very weak and had that disgusting cold clammy sweat that felt like it might lead to passing out any minute. Luckily, I clocked into work at 6:45 a.m. (when I was supposed to be there) looking rough as ever and feeling just about the same.

I was doing well until about 8:30 a.m. when I almost passed out after standing too long in a patient's room. I was thankful that they soon switched me to follow the Unit Clerk for the rest of the day. Not only did that allow much more sitting, but also I got to learn a lot about charting, orders, and the computer system. Those are all things I had little confidence about and understand much better now. Another absolute blessing.

My co-workers are fantastic. They are all very welcoming and sweet. I felt like I fit in from the first moment. I love that the nurse manager is so willing to just walk up to me and teach me things. Everyone seems to have confidence in me even if I don't have it in myself, and that is so reassuring. I think I will fit in very well on this unit, and I am so very pleased. Today my permit posted so tomorrow I get to go to work with a fancy "Graduate Nurse" badge instead of my "Nurse Tech" one. I'm pretty dang excited about that...especially since it adds an additional $11 per hour to my pay.

I'm still nervous about what is to come, but I'm also very thankful for the little reminders that even in the chaos, life is beautiful. As always, God is good.

Hello World

Today I sat in a classroom with 58 of my favorite people for the last time and took the final test of my undergraduate college career. This is supposed to be one of the biggest celebrations of my life, but all I have been doing all day is crying! It's embarrassing to be so sad when everyone else is so happy. In some ways, it makes me feel ungrateful for the huge accomplishment. I've been trying to figure out what my deal is and here are some things I've discovered:

• I was not supposed to graduate college. By all statistics out there kids with lives like mine don't grow up and become college graduates. It wasn't preached to me everyday to go get my degree. It was assumed I'd find the best job possible with my high school diploma, if I even attained that. When I decided to go to college, I was the first in my family to ever do so and it was almost as if I was turning my back on "where I had come from" to some extent. Don't get me wrong, my family was proud, but they never understood what I was doing or why. Not only am I graduating college, I'm doing so with a 4.0 overall GPA. I say that to say how overwhelming it feels. I do not feel for one second worthy of such a huge accomplishment. I'm crying because some people in this world don't even get to finish elementary level education, but I get to graduate from college. Let me never ever take that for granted.
• All I have ever known was school. I began going to daycare before I can remember. I have been in a school setting literally my entire life. It's no secret I'm good at school. Who wants to quit something they are good at? I am beyond terrified to start work as a nurse and begin real life. I grew up at a young age because of how my family life was. I knew how to manage money, work, and be self-sufficient. I'm not scared of those things. I am, however, terrified to know what it is like to only work. It's also pretty obvious I don't do well with change. I'm a duck, not an eagle. If it's not broken, don't fix it. School was going just fine...but we just "fixed" it. 
• I seriously LOVE the people I have grown to know in these 4 years. Leaving high school was hard. We had a small class of just over 60 students. Leaving college feels like leaving family. These people aren't just students. They are my friends...my friends that share a common goal in life to serve others...my friends that have experienced some of the most important moments in my life. I know we will "stay in touch", but I also know the reality of life is I will likely stay close friends with very few of them. They will all move on and begin their lives, make new friends, and move on. I will do the same. I know that is part of life, and I know those are wonderful things. Right now, though, it just hurts. I don't want new friends. I want these friends.

I think for today, I'm going to cry. I don't think there is any shame in feeling overwhelmingly grateful, terrified, and even sad. All of those emotions are the cause of the lump that hasn't left my throat since about 5:30 a.m. It goes without saying that I am also incredibly excited to start a new journey in life. This won't be the end of school for me, just school as I know it. I know the Lord has more in store for me than I can imagine, and I don't think it's His goal to keep me comfortable. I rest in knowing He is good.  I give all thanks to Him for 4 of the best years of my life.

Hello world, my name is Katy Trotty, BSN.

Blessed

Blessed. I feel like this is kind of like the word love. English just doesn't do it justice. I mean there is agape love, phileo love, and eros love just to name a few. We use the same word to describe our feelings for food as we do for the most important people in our lives. Blessed, like love, doesn't offer enough emphasis to the emotions it provokes. Lucky doesn't do it because it leaves it up to chance. I'm more of a believer that someone God is in control.

I am blessed. Yesterday I turned 22, and I got a glimpse of just how blessed I am. I woke up to two amazing friends singing me happy birthday with a cupcake and a candle on my porch at midnight to start the day right. I can't forget to mention that they toughed out pouring rain to make sure they could follow through with this. My husband later bought me gorgeous flowers and treated me like a queen for the day. When I walked into a meeting for school everyone suddenly burst into singing "happy birthday", some of these people who knew me and others who didn't. Finally, I ended the day with close to 30 friends (I didn't count all who came.) enjoying a night of fun with me. Some of the closest who gave me a gift card for $150 so I could buy the Garmin watch I've been wanting for running. These people love me. Most of them think I've helped their lives in some way. What they don't know is the impact they've had on mine. The smiles they have put on my face and the friendship they have given me is completely irreplaceable.

Bryan and I have been a little concerned about finances for the beginning of summer. We were trying really hard to not deplete our first savings that we were so thankfully able to accumulate since January. I wasn't supposed to start work until June 20, but our funds were slowly dwindling. We had been talking about this often, and I have probably done the math a million times. It doesn't help that I need a whole new wardrobe of scrubs to start work, and I really wanted a few more things to finish our house before family visited at graduation. Yesterday I got an email saying I could start work earlier than the original June 20 start date. Today I got $457.90 credited to my bank account for an award I was selected for from my amazing nursing professors. I had no clue this award existed, and I definitely didn't know it included money. When I realized what had happened, all I could do was cry.

I have absolutely no doubt that God is behind every single good thing that has happened in the past week. I am first grateful to Him for this love that I am so undeserving of. Not only do I have His unending love, but I have the love all of these people in my life. The past weeks have had some trials, but the Lord has once again proven so faithful to overwhelm me with His goodness. His timing is perfect. His methods are flawless. He is good.

Happy Birthday Chris

Tomorrow is my little cousin Christopher's 21 birthday. He will spend it in prison. Not only will he spend it in prison, but he will know that this is the first birthday of his life without his father (who we lost one month ago today), the most important man in his life. Christopher was my first friend. He was the most important peer in my life until I was about 10 or 11 years old. We spent the night together every single night. We played together. He was my best friend in the world. Having been only 358 days younger than me and the only other kid around you can imagine how close the bond was.

I think this was Christmas. We had a lot of fun together.

Tonight, I will go to sleep in my comfortable bed in my safe house. I will kiss my loving husband goodnight and set my alarm on my iPhone. I will wake up tomorrow and take a few steps to get a little closer to finishing my first college degree in just under a month. I have a car (even if it is in the shop), a closet full of clothes, and a group of people surrounding me that love and support me. I have wonderful influences. I have people that are challenging me daily to be a better person.

I grew up in almost the exact same environment as Christopher. We lived next door to each other for much of our lives and only a couple blocks away for the rest. Our parents lived the same lifestyles. We both came from poor families. Why do I get to be different? What happened? I'm by no means knocking the justice system that is punishing my cousin for his mistakes. I'm questioning what led him to make those mistakes and me not to. I'm no more deserving of this life than him. It was all about a few wrong choices, a sequence of mistakes. Life can change so fast.

We are broken. We all are. We all make mistakes. Tonight I'm humbled that my mistakes haven't put me in prison or cost me my family. Tonight, I will try not to take for granted my freedom to live, but more importantly my freedom in Christ. I am humbled by the grace that set me apart. I am completely undeserving and humbled beyond belief.

Happy birthday Christopher. I love you.

The Bright Side

I always chuckle a little when I hear the statement, "The devil has been busy." I don't really know why but something about it just makes me laugh. I picture a little red guy with a pitch fork running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Quite realistic, right? Needless to say, I don't really use that phrase, but it seems so appropriate for my life these past few weeks.

If it isn't one thing it's another. We had the death of my uncle, Bryan found out he doesn't get to start grad school this year as we'd hoped due to some stupid technicalities, my alternator went out and cost $300 to fix, I was exposed to Hepatitis B and C at clinical, and to top it off my bookshelf collapsed about 5 minutes ago. That's just what I can remember from the top of my head within the past 2 weeks!

I should feel kind of like this bookshelf. It wasn't at all meant to carry that much weight so when the smallest piece of support (my book that I was excited to read) was taken away, it collapsed.

Let me just say that somehow, my spirits aren't broken. The biggest of these obstacles (probably only because it is the most recent) is me being exposed to Hepatitis B and C. I am so thankful for immunizations so I don't have to worry at all about the Hep B. The doctors said I have less than a 1% chance of contracting Hep C. Those are really small odds, but that's not what's most comforting. I believe God is sovereign and He wasn't surprised by this. He is in perfect control and I am "Safe" in His arms. If I have Hep C, then I will find a way to show Him through it. Can you imagine the people I could reach with that kind of disease?! People who wouldn't ever consider listening to me would if they knew that kind of story. It could be amazing. Am I wishing for it? NO! Am I going to make the most of it? Yes. I won't know for months or even more than a year if I have contracted the disease. I won't live that time in fear. The doctors told me I don't have to follow any special precautions and to live as if I am not infected since the chance is so very low. I'll do that and leave the rest to Him.

There are so many things that can get you down in life. I could very easily be having a huge pity party. Life is so much better from the bright side. Have you found something to smile about today?

Remember, Smile.

These past few days have been hard. On Saturday, we found my Uncle Bobby dead in his trailer. I'll preface this by saying that my Uncle Bobby might as well have been my mother's son. She is a very co-dependent person and she enabled took care of him for his entire life. He lived on her property, in her trailer, rent free. He ate her food daily. She bought his groceries, and cigarettes, and beer. He was a huge part of her life. He was a part of my life, and at one point a huge part, but lots has happened in the past few years that have made him a little more distant. Regardless, these days have been so hard. Here are a few reasons why:

• My family is broken. When I say broken, I really mean it. I'd rather not air all the junk, but we have so many issues. Drugs, alcohol, poverty, prison, abuse, and enmeshed boundaries are just a few. 
• I am the black sheep. I am unlike any member of my family excluding my Aunt Wanda who isn't really accepted by the rest of the family. I don't know how I am so different. I constantly ask God. I praise Him for setting me apart. 
• When tragedy strikes, I'm the strong one. This is not because I'm strong. By all definitions of the word, I am not a strong person. Somehow, I always play the part. 
• My mother is in complete denial. Some of the things I've heard her say: "Don't take him! Leave him here with me. I can take care of him." (In reference to his dead, and decaying, body) "Okay, he's been gone for 2 days now. It's time for him to come back home." If you mix those statements with the sound of her frail, weeping voice....well I don't think that needs further explanation.
• In the midst of tragedy, life goes on. The same problems that existed before Saturday, exist now. They just seem a lot heavier right now.

I said all of that to talk about the amazing blessing in my life. My husband. My story will speak for itself. Today, when I got home I had a CD made titled "Remember Smile :)" and a letter that read like this:

"Took some time out of studying to work on something for you. You are the love of my life. It hurts to know that you are hurting and hurts even more to know you dug this hole to bury it away in your heart. This is to let you know that you don't have to bury anything. This is a CD that I hope encourages you to live for today. Use today to love someone you never thought you could love and forgive in ways you couldn't believe. Not because you have to but because Christ died to give you the ability to love and forgive as He did. To experience a life that is safe and give you the ability to smile even on the days you feel like you can't. God came from heaven to rescue you because He loves you and to show you what it means to be beloved and cherished. Sometimes every one of us feels like we'll never be healed. Every one of us aches like we'll never be saved, like we never atone for all the love we've known. We were born sinners but a door was open for us to be among God in heaven but to live on earth like we are already there. You are not here by mistake my love. You are here, at the lowest point you could be, only to be used to love as Christ loved. That is an honor beyond belief. It's hard. I know. I thank God you are who you are and He has brought you here to be more than you could imagine. I'm so proud of you. Thanks for the love and marriage I never thought I'd have. Thanks for showing God in ways I couldn't believe. I thank God for you every second. This is just for encouragement. This is for you to pick your head up while the tears still fall. Look up in the bright blue sky or sparkling stars...and smile."

He was sure to mention that parts of the letter were lyrics from a song he liked. Regardless, my husband is amazing. God is good. He put me right here and gave me just what I needed to keep going.

Gusher 5K

I attended my first race in January of 2010 when I went to watch a friend run the Houston marathon. I was blown away by how fun it was to watch people run. I never really thought it was much of a spectator sport, but I was so wrong. As people cheered on strangers by the name on their bib, a smile planted on my face that I couldn't seem to shake. It was then, I started to consider running.

Friday was the biggest test of my life up to this point. It was the HESI. This is the test that, in the past, has determined if you are able to graduate from nursing school. For my class, it didn't serve that purpose specifically, but it was still pretty important to do well. It's kind of good that the test was the day before the race because I was able to balance my anxiety about the race with my anxiety about the test. Needless to say, we completed the incredibly long test and set off for Beaumont to begin our adventure of the Gusher 5K.

Friday night went by so quickly. Bethany and I ate dinner at Joe's Crab Shack (probably not the best pre-race meal) and then settled for the night at the MCM Elegante. I was kind of stressed out because we heard there were going to be thousands of people and not a lot of places to park. We also knew that the road we planned on using to get there was going to be closed at 4 a.m. for the race. Luckily my sweet friend Heather decided to run with us and offered to drive since she knew the area.

We woke up at 5 a.m. Saturday to start the festivities. We were  both tired, but really excited. Here are some sleepy pictures of the morning right after we pinned on our first bibs:

Let me just say that the excitement never ended from this point on. We started the race with both hands in the air celebrating our accomplishment. My friend Heather ran with us, and she hadn't been training. She did an amazing job and stuck with us the entire time! Throughout the race, the camaraderie was my favorite part. Other runners were constantly cheering us on, and we got to cheer on some other runners. There was a precious little girl who was my favorite. We got to give her encouragement as she told her daddy she was so tired. It was such a precious site to see her daddy helping her run her first 5K.

When we rounded the last corner where we could see all of the people on the side of the finish line, both of our bodies were covered in chills. It was one of the coolest feelings I've ever experienced. We looked up to see Laurel, who zoomed past us earlier, cheering us on from the finish line along with all of our friends and family who came for support. Bethany and I sprinted our way across the finish line with the biggest smiles on our face. Yes, yes we did just finish our first 5K. For me, the first of many. Running is one of the funnest things I've ever done. I can't wait to continue the journey. Thanks for taking time to read about this journey and even more for the awesome support you've offered. I'm adding a few more pictures that I had on my camera from the day. If you'd like to see more pictures click here. Enjoy!

These are the shirts we made for the race.

Lots of people said, "Next year those shirts will say 'My First Half'". I really love runners.

Our "strong" poses after we finished the race,

Our sign that my sweet best friend made to cheer us on.

Week 9, FINALLY!

So this week was interesting. We planned to run Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Tuesday's 3 miles was incredible! It felt wonderful to complete those 3 miles we had been shooting for since January. Thursday hurt quite a bit. It was very hot and just a rough day all around. Friday came along and we had ROTC day for school. Bethany and I both injured ourselves and couldn't pull it together to complete our run. We thought it would be better to let ourselves heal a little instead of hurting more. We waited until Monday to complete the last run of the program.

As I sit on my couch after that last run of the Couch-to-5K training program, I am incredibly humbled. I have said time and time again that I didn't believe for once second that I would be able to accomplish this, but it happened. I would be lying if I said that I, alone, had the strength to do it. It may sound silly, but I give every ounce of gratitude to God. Without His provision I would have failed miserably. Some would argue that God wasn't interested in helping me run 3 miles, and that He had better things to do. I beg to differ. Running has taught me a lot about myself and also given me some great spiritual analogy reminders. I believe that God uses every situation, and every obstacle, to teach us something more about Himself.

Sitting here now I think of Paul saying, "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win." in 1 Corinthians 9:24. I don't think it is by accident that Paul equates our spiritual journeys to a race. Running is hard not only physically, but mentally. There are days that it has been incredibly easy and I felt as if i could run a marathon and other days where every step hurt for more than a mile. Isn't that what life is like? The craziest thing is, I would take those hard days way before I took the easy ones. There is something fulfilling about persevering through pain. There is something defining about scars.

These nine weeks have been a roller coaster. I am finishing my last semester of college, starting a marriage, and  learning how to transition into a different stage of life. God has been, and will continue to be, faithful through it all. I hope that I can keep my eyes, and heart, open to learn what He is teaching. I am humbled that He gives me eyes to see...and legs to run.

It's a Lifestyle Change

Who would have ever thought I could get this much out of a simple addition to my everyday routine? Definitely not me. In fact, I thought running would be a complete burden that I would have to squeeze into my never ending to-do list that seems to creep up every single day. It's not another addition to the list...in some ways it's freedom from the list.

After next week I will no longer have a website telling me how far to run everyday. In some ways that offers opportunity for me to be creative and run what I feel like, but in other ways it offers me to be lazy. I don't want to be lazy. I haven't emphasized how much having a partner in this journey has been rewarding. Bethany has been a wonderful blessing to me. Knowing someone was relying on me to get up and run is just the right amount of pressure to do it on days I don't want to. Having her there to talk to has been distracting and also built our friendship even stronger. The encouragement she's given me goes without saying, and I'm very nervous to be finishing our official journey together after the race March 12. I hope she still runs and we can run together, but I know that isn't a guarantee.

This week was 2.75 miles which is a huge accomplishment for both of us. The accomplishment for me really came in realizing that this is no longer me "training for a 5K". This is a lifestyle change that I am so excited to make. I started this program ultimately out of an effort to lose weight. Sadly, I haven't lost a single pound. I'm not discouraged though. In fact, accomplishing this huge step in my life just gives me more courage to take the next big step of making a change with my diet. I know that when I start making better choices with what I eat, I will start to see changes in my weight. I'm ready and willing to tackle that. I love food. I have eaten HUGE portions my whole life because that was a norm. Controlling that will be the biggest challenge, but all I can say is bring it on! Now, I will just need to set an official date to start this part of the equation and go from there. I'm sure I'll whine share on here what I've learned, what I'm struggling with, and, of course, my success with this part of my life.

As for week 8, see you later alligator. For those of you trying this, week 8 is a piece of cake. That's not to say my legs didn't feel like they were made of concrete on a large part of some of the runs, but when you get this far quitting isn't an option. Correction: run everyday as if quitting were never an option. You won't regret the result. Someone wise once told me, "It's like brushing your teeth, you have to do it."

Week 7

Two and a half miles is a little surreal still. I never dreamed I'd actually make it to week 7. Monday was pretty painful. I was literally praying for a water fountain to pop up. I've noticed that weeks where I don't hydrate are the absolute worst. I can feel a huge difference on days where I have drank enough water compared to days where I haven't. I remember saying to Bethany, "Why don't people put water fountains in their front yard?"

Tuesday was not near as bad. I drank a lot to try to prepare myself. We had to run late in the afternoon, but it was a really good run. I've found it is so much easier to run when we have stuff to talk about. I've gotten to the point where if I'm distracted I feel like I could run forever. I love that feeling.

Thursday at clinical someone spilled some water on the floor and I busted it. At the time it was hilarious, and it didn't hurt at all. When I woke up Friday morning, though, my knee was killing me. I was really sad because Friday was our running day. I chose to skip out and try to rest my knee for at least a day. That meant that I wouldn't be able to do Day 3 with Bethany because she had to work all weekend. This morning I set out on Day 3 run...alone. I wasn't really looking forward to that. I chose not to bring my iPod and just to enjoy the run. Enjoy I did. It wasn't an easy run, but it was bearable. At about a mile my shins literally felt like they were splitting. It was very painful, but I just ran through it. It seems like if I keep running when something is hurting it eventually goes away. By the time I got to 1.5 miles I didn't feel my shins anymore. I was going downhill, though, and that put a lot of impact on my knee. It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would, but it did hurt. Needless to say I finished my first long run by myself, and I didn't hate it. I missed Bethany, but I know I will be able to run by myself.

Right now, my knee is hurting pretty bad so I'm going to rest it tomorrow and hopefully be ready for Monday's 2.75 miles! I am so excited to be so close to finished!

Goodbye week 7. :)

Couch to 5K: 6 Weeks and Still Growing

Due to a request from Brittany, I'm going to write about my experiences with my 5K training program to this point. Hopefully you will find it interesting or maybe even helpful.

Week 1, Day 1: Oh. My. Goodness. "Today was run 60 seconds, walk 90 seconds for a total of 20 minutes. Did I really almost pass out or better yet throw up in front of my friends? You've got to be kidding me." Those were my thoughts as I felt completely defeated after my first run. I dressed in way too many layers and set out thinking it would be so easy. It wasn't. I was hurt.

Week 1, Day 2: Every muscle in my body hurt like I've never experienced. Part of me wanted to quit already, but I decided to push through. I couldn't give up on the second day. When I finished this run, it was wonderful. I felt like I had ran out some of the soreness. The best antidote for sore muscles is more exercise, I'm convinced.

Week 2: This is run 90 seconds, walk 90 seconds. I remember the entire time I would stare at my watch hoping the 90 seconds would pass quicker. This is when the "runner's high" began. After we'd finish running, I'd just be so happy. It felt good. Bad, but good.

Week 3: This is jog 1/2 a lap on the track, walk 1/2 a lap, jog a whole lap, walk a whole lap. Repeat. It was incredibly discouraging that the laps would be so hard. I remember hurting so bad. Some days it would be my shins and others it would be my lungs. I hurt everyday, though. I thought everyone could run a lap on a track. Why was it so hard for me?

Week 4: This is what we called hell week. Jog 1/4, walk 1/8, jog 1/2, walk 1/4, jog 1/4, walk 1/8, jog 1/2. We were struggling to run one lap on the track. How in the world were we going to complete 2...twice? This was the most scared I had ever been. I told myself that if I could complete this, then I could complete the whole training program. On day one it was raining and cold. I had a terrible headache. We set out on our journey around the track, and it just happened. Day one was actually kind of easy. I was so excited. I couldn't believe we did it. Day two and three hurt like hell. My lungs hurt, my legs hurt, and I continuously asked myself how it could be so hard these two times when the first time had seemed so easy. Adrenaline? Probably.

Week 5: This is the week we would truly become runners, I thought. By the end of week 5, we would run 2 miles straight. Correction: we DID run 2 miles straight. The first two days were mostly filled with fear of day three. They hurt a little, but we tried to "push" ourselves so that we would be ready for that 2 mile run. When day 3 finally came, it was nothing like I hoped. We had to run inside because of the ridiculously cold whether. That meant 14 monotonous laps on the indoor track. By the end I think we were running so slowly that some people could pass us walking. We were dead...and very very dehydrated.  There was still a huge sense of relief because we finished 2 miles. That was something neither of use had never done.

Week 6: This has been the best week yet. I haven't been sore in a few weeks now. Every once in a while I'll get a shin splint, but nothing major. When I'm running sometimes it hurts, but others I feel like I could run forever. I'm completely amazed that I can accomplish what I can. I knew scientifically my body was capable of it, but I never saw myself actually being able to run a decent distance again. If you would have told me 6 months ago that I'd be able to run a mile straight, I would have laughed in your face. Week 6, day 3 was my favorite run ever. We started the run going uphill. This was the same hill that killed me at the end of week 4 when I had to run alone. This time we talked the entire time. That's a huge deal because when this began I couldn't run and talk at the same time if I wanted to. Friday, we ran 2.25 miles without walking and talked every step of the way. I felt like I could've easily continued to run and even reach my 3.1 mile goal. I want to stick with the program so I didn't push myself any farther, but I know now that I'm a runner. It feels wonderful.

Brittany, I'm so incredibly proud of you for doing this program. I'd give anything to be able to run with you everyday and offer you encouragement as you go. I don't know if this is helpful, but this is my journey the best I can recall it. I know there were more days when I was sore and when the runs were hard, but those days just seem like building blocks to me now. Stick with it. Your body is being whipped into shape and it won't like it at first. It will thank you later though. Keep up the good work!

Snow Day!

Today I go to stay in my pajamas for an entire day due to the weather canceling everything in Nacogdoches. Ice is a big deal to us in Texas so we basically just shut down. Needless to say, I didn't even walk outside. I was having trouble staying warm in my apartment, and I didn't want to freeze outside. I'm pretty much over the snow. I loved looking at it out the window and being in awe of something so beautiful, but that was the extent of my fascination. Having a day like this made me think about some things I love and some that I don't.


Things I love:

• Seeing God's creation and being in awe. It doesn't matter if it's blue skies, snow, rain, mountains, or deserts...I'm truly amazed every single day.
• Naps. Today I had an amazing nap with my favorite blue blanket on my warm and comfortable couch.
• Laughing. There is nothing like that feeling you have when you've been laughing. Sometimes I laugh even when I'm not happy, and it actually makes me happy. That's a weird theory, but it has worked for me more than once.
• Snuggling. My husband is probably the world's best snuggler. I call him my human heater because he puts off so much heat. It's wonderful on days like today!
• Being productive. I wasn't super productive today, but I did finally tackle the chapter that I've been trying to read for a whole week. 
• Cooking. I'm not a very good cook, but I really love to do it! I hope that my love for it can make me better at it. I can't wait until I have more time to try new things and learn more about it.
• My niece and nephew. I didn't get to see them today, obviously, but I thought about them non-stop. I know that Clayton was so excited about the snow, and I can just picture him running around talking too fast for anyone to understand as he played his little heart out. My sweet Madison is now crawling...and she's actually making some good distance. It seems too soon.

Things I don't love:

• Cold weather. I could never ever live somewhere that actually has a winter. I really hate it. I know there are good things like scarves and snuggling to be thankful for, but that isn't enough motivation for me to like freezing.
• Stress. I am most definitely type A, and so I constantly battle myself to control stress. Because my weeks are so busy the next few weeks, I have checked my planner probably 100 times today. I'm happy I recognize it, and I hope that I can continue to get better about stressing out so easily. It's all about priorities. I just have to keep reminding myself what is really important.
• Living so far away from my family. I know that 2 hours isn't that far, but I really wish I could just go visit them when I want to. I'm sure if I lived close, I'd be wishing the opposite. We're never satisfied, right?

As for the snow day, it was nice to stay in the house and be forced to just relax for a day. I missed my run because the rec center was closed, but tomorrow is the last day of week 5 and it is 2 whole miles! I'm nervous but super pumped! 

No Pain, No Gain

So I mentioned a while ago that I was doing the couch to 5K training program. Today I finished week 4 which consisted of running 1/4 mile, walking 1/8 mile, running 1/2 mile, walking 1/4 mile, running 1/4 mile, walking 1/8 mile, and finishing up with 1/2 mile. Let me just say looking at this week terrified me. Before then we had never run more than 1/4 mile at a time and that was difficult. The thought of running 1/2 twice was overwhelming. To top it off, on Monday we ran in the cold rain. Strangely enough, it wasn't that bad. Bethany and I finished it like champs. We did the same thing on Tuesday, but that one proved much harder for me. Today was the last day of week 4. Bethany had to go out of town so for the first time since we've started training I had to run by myself. After consulting with Chip, who has been wonderful in answering questions and giving encouragement, I set out to try a new course.

I decided to run from my apartment on University to E. College, up to Raguet, down to Austin, and back to my apartment on University. The challenge here is that there is a hill from University to E. College which happened to be my first 1/2 mile. At the end of that 1/2 I was doing better than expected. I was shuffling along, and my legs were hurting pretty terribly, but I made it. Somewhere between there and my last 1/2 mile I got mentally exhausted as well as physically burnt out. My lungs were hurting worse than ever before, and I was fighting with myself about finishing the last 1/2. I wanted to quit because no one would really know, and I truly didn't think I could do it. I was feeling dizzy, dehydrated, and quite frankly in lots of pain. Right as it was time to start running for my last stretch I heard "Lord you are good, and your mercy endures forever." come from my iPod. I love that song! I sing it all the time in the morning and it gets me in such a wonderful mood. I truly think God was giving me the extra piece of strength I needed to push through. I finished my run, and I could have seriously had my hands in the air singing to God.

As of now, I still can't quit coughing, and I have blown my nose probably a gazillion times. My feet hurt, my legs hurt, my chest hurts...my heart is really happy though. I conquered one more day of this adventure. I'd be a fool to not give every ounce of thanks to God.

I love this quote: "There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --A. Einstein. Let's just say I believe in miracles.

A week from today my training calls for me to run 2 miles without walking. I can't remember a time I've done that in my whole life...at least when I was counting. That will take a miracle. Good thing I believe, right?

Had Me From Hello

Most of the time when Bryan gets home from work I am sitting on the couch on my computer either doing something nonproductive or studying. I generally look up with a quick "hi" and go back to what I was doing. You can see in his face every time that he is tired, and probably wanted more. Because of my selfish nature, I haven't really ever considered more. He doesn't seem incredibly excited to see me, and I'm busy so I just keep the routine the same.

A few days ago I read a post that was linked to this wonderful blog that made me decide to try something new. I decided to give my husband a greeting like I hadn't seen him in months. Today, when he got home from work I literally ran to him to give him a hug and kiss and say hello. I told him how much I missed him today (because I did so very much) and just sunk in his arms for a few minutes. His face was so wonderful. He looked so excited...loved...respected. I have decided that I will try everything in my power to greet him like this everyday. I will also teach my kids to greet daddy like this.

As his wife, it is my job to continually make my husband feel loved, and mostly respected. I'm not very good at it most of the time, but I'm so thankful for a little piece of advice that I think will go a long way.

Today, when you are happy to see someone...let them know. Don't ever assume that someone knows how you feel about them. They don't. Life is too short to not take advantage of telling people what they mean to you. Words like "Thank you.", "I love you.", and "I'm happy you're in my life." go further than you may know.

Sleepy Sunday

Normally I get into school mode about a week before the semester starts. I normally have already completed the first few assignments, and am ready to go by the time the first day arrives. This semester is much different. I cannot seem to get into school mode. We have our first test next Wednesday, and I haven't studied at all. It would appear that I have because I made a huge review for the class, but that wasn't really studying for me. I don't learn through typing. I just kind of do it mindlessly. I hope to make some progress today, but I don't know if that will happen. My head is pounding, and my mind is elsewhere. I'll keep up the wishful thinking, though.

Today church was amazing. Church is great every Sunday, but today it was different. I'm having a day where I am just reflecting on the past few weeks and thinking about my decisions. There's something about breaks from school that seem to bring out the worst in my character. I think I get bored, and begin to fill my time with things before actually thinking those things through. I should really get that under control before I graduate in just over 100 days. Anyway, back to church...did I say that it was amazing? Yes. Amazing. I love to worship. I love the feeling of vulnerability before a God who I know loves me with the most pure love. I have a hard time being vulnerable normally, but before God it is totally different. Don't get me wrong, it hurts to admit who you are and what you've done before a holy, perfect God. It is so amazing to know that He already knows. It is so overwhelming to know that He loved me even when He knew I would betray Him time and time again. Today as I closed my eyes and sang to my creator, my heart rested for a little while. That is the best feeling in the world. I cannot wait to praise His name for eternity. I cannot wait to be free of my flesh.

Later today, I'm going to pose for Randi in my wedding dress so she can get some practice with bridal pictures. My dress has been in my trunk since the wedding. I know that is pitiful, and I should take more care of it. I don't have any emotional connection, though. Maybe one day I'll regret feeling that way, but for now it's just a dress. Needless to say, it is a very wrinkled dress so I think these pictures will be quite amusing. At least she'll get the practice she needs, and I'll get to wear my dress more than once. If I'm not horrified by the pictures, maybe I'll post some here later.

Today is absolutely beautiful. I don't ever want to take for granted that I get to wake up and see the sun shining in the bright blue sky. It is a privilege that some will never know for some reason or another. I wish I could take a blanket to the park and nap feeling the sun shine on my face. I'll settle for practicing bridal pictures. Have an amazing day my friends.

Thoughts Racing

I have always been a thinker. My brain is going 100 mph 100% of the time I'm awake. Even when I'm sleeping, I'd say it still trucks along at about 70 mph. There are lots of things I think about. Here are a few:

1. School. Nursing school has been the most chaotic time of my life. Organization skills have saved me, but I feel like there is constantly something to be thinking about. Sometimes it is a test coming up or a big clinical. Others it's a subject that is hard to grasp. And on days like today, it's figuring out how to make myself organized enough that I can be in the right place at the right time with the right materials for the next 5 months.

2. My infinite to-do list. I make at least one a day, but sometimes I wind up with 3 or 4. They are stuck all over my desk and in random places throughout my planner. I have an obsession with lists, and there is a great deal of pleasure that comes from crossing things off of this list.

 3. My interactions/relationships with others. I am probably one of the most analytical people in the whole world. I analyze every word I speak, how people perceive it, and how that affects our relationship. I also analyze everything everyone else does and says. It often creates all kinds of problems. My husband gets so tired of me analyzing his every move, he sometimes just tells me to stop thinking about what he is doing because he's not thinking about it.

As you can imagine, I get mentally exhausted. This month has been particularly rough. I haven't had restful sleep in weeks it seems. I say all of that to tell you about this wonderful addition to my life. January 3rd I started training for my first race. It will be a 5K in April. I was beyond scared because I have never run more than a mile and a half that I can remember, and I am incredibly out of shape. I went out and bought myself a $100 pair of running shoes (partly because I needed them and partly because I knew spending $100 on something would motivate me to use it). I had no clue that running would be so wonderful! When I'm running, all I think about is getting from point A to point B in a decent amount of time with a decent form (although Chip would say I don't move my arms right). It is wonderful to have nothing going on in my head other than the things I need to have there for running. It almost makes me sad to think that one day I might be good enough at it that I can think of other things than my side cramp and aching knees. Until then, I'm going to enjoy every time I get to start a new journey, and be so incredibly thankful that I have found something to slow down my brain...even if it is just for a few minutes.

running shoes that I love. :)

Unending love. Amazing grace.

I always viewed God as something that I could have more/less of. I felt like if I were good, I would get more of God, but when I was bad I would lose some of Him. As you can imagine, this shaped the way I looked at life a whole lot. While reading Forgotten God by Francis Chan about a year ago I realized how wrong I had been thinking about it. When I accepted Christ I got all of God at that moment. I will never be able to have any more or less of Him regardless of my actions. I wonder, then, how I can feel so far from God sometimes and so close to Him others. I've realized that it's not God that is moving...it's me. At points in my life where I feel like I am sinning a lot I tend to move away from doing things like praying, reading my Bible, and participating in fellowship with other Christians. It's important to note that "sinning a lot" is normally based on worldly standards. It's periods in my life where I feel like all people, Christian and not, would consider my actions wrong. If I were using the scriptural definition, I'd realize that I pretty much am in the same condition before God every day, filthy with sin. It's much easier to compare yourself to the world than to scripture. Anyway, the beauty in this is that God isn't moving! I think of Clayton. Sometimes he comes home in the afternoons completely black from playing in the mud. There's no telling the things that are on him including dirt in every crevice. Every night, though, his mom gives him a bath and washes away all that gunk. God does that to me too. What an amazing truth that His grace literally washes me clean every single day. What a patient God that I get a fresh start so often...a fresh start that I don't deserve one bit.

I bought a new Beth Moore study yesterday called Believing God. I'm looking forward to digging into this study starting tomorrow. I'm ashamed to say I haven't had a quiet time in months and I definitely feel the effects of that. I can't wait to see how I will be challenged through this study, and Beth Moore is always a delight. Sometimes I feel like my faith is a roller coaster. I have these awesome peaks, and not so awesome valleys. I've been in a valley for a little while...I'm ready for a peak.

This week, there have been many arrangements made for a funeral that took place yesterday. A family in our church buried their 4 year old daughter Ila who died last Saturday in a tragic accident. Yesterday, I was reading through Facebook, and someone's status said "Rest in peace little Ila." I immediately started feeling tears welling up in my eyes, and I didn't really know why. I didn't know Ila, but I knew lots of the families and kids she knew. I began to think about the words of that status. I believe Ila is in heaven with Jesus. I believe that heaven is a place where there is no pain or suffering. Ila truly gets to rest in peace for eternity. It is incredibly sad that this family had to say goodbye to their precious daughter, but today I think Ila is rejoicing. I think she got the best deal of all...an eternity with her Savior. Little Ila, I hope you are knowing a peace the none of us can understand on this earth. Please continue to pray for her family. Today at church, they looked beyond exhausted.

This blog is much longer than I expected it to be. These are just some things I thought about last night as I was going to bed, and they haven't really left my thoughts since. Today is rainy and cold. It's a good day for gumbo (which is on the stove) and a movie (which will happen very soon).