About a month before Noah was born, I was struggling with lots of fear and anxiety over potential complications, what to expect, and pretty much everything you can imagine. During that time God showed me this passage from Psalm 33:
16 The king is not saved by his great army;
a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
17 The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
and by its great might it cannot rescue.
18 Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,
on those who hope in his steadfast love,
19 that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.
on those who hope in his steadfast love,
19 that he may deliver their soul from death
and keep them alive in famine.
20 Our soul waits for the Lord;
he is our help and our shield.
21 For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
22 Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.
he is our help and our shield.
21 For our heart is glad in him,
because we trust in his holy name.
22 Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
even as we hope in you.
If you know me even a little, you know that I am a logical person. I am very black and white, and I like there to be an answer for everything. I realized throughout my pregnancy how much I put my hope in things other than God. This was especially true with my knowledge as a nurse. I constantly searched for peace in the knowledge I possessed as a nurse that things would be okay as long as I followed a specific set of rules or passed a "risky" time period in my pregnancy. This knowledge I had proved to cause more fear and anxiety time and time again in my pregnancy. For me this scripture is a reminder that the things I think protected my baby, like eating enough folic acid or not eating taking certain medications, are really just empty attempts at controlling something that was far bigger than me or Noah. God reminded me time and time again over the last month that Noah wouldn't be safe because I did everything "right" or because everything medically went like it should. Noah would be okay because "the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him". I thought that surrendering those fears and anxiety during pregnancy was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Then the past week happened.
Noah was born on 'Tuesday, June 3 at 12:52 p.m. I began having pain from the very early signs of labor on Sunday at 4 a.m. Needless to say, by the time Noah graced us with his presence I was mentally and physically exhausted. The exhaustion continued when I couldn't make myself sleep for the next two days even when he was sleeping. That paired with the fears from not having a milk supply and the overwhelming flood of hormones and emotions were absolutely overwhelming. Finally an excellent friend offered to keep Noah through the night allowing me to take some medicine to help me rest. In desperate hope to be better equipped to care for my son I took her up on the offer. That meant leaving my 2 day old in another room and giving him a bottle although I was so set on breastfeeding. The very next night I was rested and prepared to tackle the night when a spinal headache came about 11 p.m. A spinal headache is a complication from the epidural, and it is excruciating. I had to be re-admitted to the hospital and again leave my baby to get treatment. After being up all night with that experience I again had to ask for help from another amazing friend to make it through our first night home while I recovered. These days were not only filled with pain (physical and emotional), fear, and anxiety, but I was also overwhelmed with doubt in my ability to be a mom. The enemy was using every opportunity to convince me that I was not capable of being this sweet little boy's mom. Yesterday was our first full day and night of being Noah's parents without help and we survived!
Now for the point. The point is not that my story is harder than any other new mom or that I deserve some sort of sympathy. In fact, I think it's much, much easier than many because I have a healthy, excellent baby. The point is exactly what God taught me in Psalm 33 weeks before this experience. I had all of these plans for Noah and for how I would raise him. I, in no way, anticipated how difficult the first days of his life would be. It hit me hard and fast, and there was nothing I could do but just survive minute to minute. However, God has proved over and over that the king is not saved by his great army. Or in my terms, I am not going to make it through motherhood because I planned well. In every desperate cry to God in the past week, He has made Himself evident. My breastfed baby has now had two nights of bottle feeding and takes a pacifier...GASP! He also has spent more nights in another room with someone else than in mine with me. None of those things were in the plan, and Satan wants me to believe all of those lies that say that I'm not a good mom or that I'll never survive this parenthood thing. But the truth of God is in Psalm 33. The hard times are not over. In fact, I think they are only beginning because I think being a parent like every other part of life is intended to sanctify us and point us to Christ. So far that sanctification process for me has included a lot of reminders that I am not in control. It has been me being forced to surrender my plans as I trusted the Lord in the terrifying territory of the unknown. It has been hard, but I couldn't be more thankful for a God who never leaves me and constantly draws me to Himself. I hope you can be encouraged in whatever hard thing you're going through today. God is good, and He loves you.
