Mom Fail

I am not a writer. I'm a math person. For some reason though, I get these blog ideas in my head, and I can't get them out until I write them down. I'm believing that someone needs them as much as I do.

A few days ago I was cutting Noah's fingernails when I clipped then end of his finger making him bleed a lot. He didn't cry, but I felt horrible because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding. I went to find a band aid, and all I had was an adult-sized small one which was gigantic compared to his tiny finger. Once I got the band aid on, he went back to playing because he wasn't phased by his injury. I snapped a picture to send to a few of my closest mommy friends and captioned it "mom fail". As I looked up from checking my phone for their responses, I realized the band aid had disappeared and his hands were in his mouth. The mom-nurse in me started to panic. Oh no. He's going to choke on the band aid. He's going to choke on the band aid that he only needed because I cut his finger when I wasn't careful enough. I would have noticed the band aid come off if I wasn't looking at my phone. I put my finger in his mouth to try to find it, but not too far because I didn't want to push it further back. I couldn't find it. More panic filled me. After about 20 seconds of pure panic, I found the band aid stuck to his foot. I sighed with relief, and thought to myself "mom fail times two".

The term "fail" has become pretty popular in recent years to talk about someone not doing something well. It has caught on with moms as well which is why each of my friends knew what I was feeling when I typed those two words. When we say "mom fail" to one another, it is mostly so we can have friends to laugh with us about the crazy mistakes we make in our journey of motherhood. The problem is that deep down, it doesn't feel funny. We laugh because that's all we know how to do. At my core, though, I'm really terrified of being a failure as a mother. And it isn't funny. It's not just the bleeding fingers or choking on band aids. It's the kid who is disobedient and disrespectful or the adolescent who breaks the law. It is the adult who doesn't know how to care for himself, or worse, is hurtful to others.

Right after this incident, I read this: "Things like 'mommy guilt' cannot crush us because Christ was crushed on the cross in our stead. Jesus is our consistency, he fulfilled God's highest expectations of perfection, and in him all the promises of God find their Yes (2 Cor. 1:20)." -Gloria Furman in Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full

Yes. Amen. Thank you Lord. That feeling deep down that seems like it will never go away...the one that makes you doubt every decision you make because you are terrified they will somehow negatively affect the rest of your life...you can let it go. He fulfilled the highest expectations of perfection. He was crushed in our stead. You were a failure, but He took your place.

cute little injured finger

Perspective Matters

The past month we have had a really difficult time with sleep. Noah was doing really wonderful sleeping at least a 6 hour stretch at night, and then it all changed. We quickly transitioned to a baby that wouldn't sleep more than 1-2 hours at night and 30 minutes in the day time. Google and friends said it could be that I was no longer swaddling his arms, a growth spurt, or four month sleep regression. I finally got to the point that I didn't really care what it was, but I really wanted it to stop. Thankfully, it seems to be improving some, but I find myself impatiently waiting to get back to what it was...or better yet, what my friends babies are doing. It seems like everyone I know has a kid that can be laid down in their bed awake and fall fast asleep for the night. Tonight as I was praying over Noah while I rocked him to sleep and he fought me...hard...I felt like God reminded me that perspective matters. This is a simple truth, but it is so important. There are a few things, specifically, He is showing me in this season.

This is hard for him too. In case you don't know, I really love my husband. This is not one of those shout-outs that says we have the perfect marriage, and he does no wrong. Our marriage has been hard. It has lots of ugly, messy moments. Thanks to a loving God and a lot of grace, it is redeemed. God uses Bryan every day to show me a picture of the way He loves me. Bryan has completely changed the way I view fatherhood, and he has so much wisdom about how to love Noah well. A few days ago after Noah fought and fought to go to sleep, I was really exhausted and began to get frustrated. Bryan calmly looked over with a smile on his face and reminded me that this is hard for Noah too. He isn't fighting sleep to make my life miserable. He lived inside of me up until 4 months ago, and it may take him a little time to figure this out. It's so easy to feel like he is intentionally making my life hard when I'm emotional and sleep deprived, but thankfully Bryan reminded me how absolutely silly those feelings are.

Today matters more than tomorrow.  Ever since Noah was born, I have struggled with spending way too much time thinking about his future. Every decision I make, small or large, I weigh the outcomes to try to determine how it might affect him in the future. For sleep, this has been exceptionally difficult because every "expert" has a magical sleep solution that will either make your child a baby genius or ruin them. I'm pretty convinced at this point that they are all fakes because if we really knew how to make babies sleep there wouldn't be so many books about it. I still buy into the lie, though, that I'm going to do something that ruins him forever. I do think it's important to think about decisions and how they will affect Noah's future. The problem with the extreme I live in is that we aren't promised tomorrow. I spend so much time thinking about tomorrow that I cannot enjoy...and survive...today. Scripture is full of truth reminding us to live today, and it's time to rest in that truth.

There's always something great to focus on. I am so thankful that early in my journey of motherhood God taught me the importance of not comparing. I have felt SO MUCH freedom by choosing resist that urge. I would be lying, though, if I didn't tell you that it is still a struggle. It is hard to watch other people sleep so well when you aren't. I can choose to focus on how Noah compares to other kids, in sleep or in numerous other areas, or I can choose to enjoy Noah just as he is. Let me just tell you that he is really great. He is so laid back. He smiles constantly. He loves to play with his toys. He just learned to blow raspberries, and so he does it nonstop like when he finishes eating and as he's falling asleep. It might be the cutest thing I have ever seen. Guys, this kid is better than I could have ever hoped or dreamed. I'll focus on that.

Kingdom perspective is key. Every single obstacle that comes in life comes with a choice of how I will view it. Honestly, some things life brings may be undoubtedly unbearable. However, John 16:33 says "In the world you will have troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world". This can be easily overlooked if you don't know the One who spoke those words. He is the author of life. He is God. He will restore everything to Himself. He became sin so that I could become righteous. He is my sustainer, my joy, my peace, and my hope. Compared to the gospel, sleep is incredibly insignificant.

I'll end with a quote about perspective from a book I'm reading by Gloria Furman. "When I view motherhood not as a gift from God to make me holy but rather as a role with tasks that get in my way, I am missing out on one of God's ordained means of spiritual growth in my life. Not only that, but I am missing out on enjoying God. No amount of mommy angst can compare to the misery that comes from a life devoid of the comforting, encouraging, guarding, providing, satisfying, presence of our holy God."

Mother Knows Best

Going back to work has been hard. I feel like a brat to even write that sentence, honestly. I have an amazing boss who has bent over backwards to make the transition for me as smooth as possible. Compared to what most working moms do, the time I'm away from Noah is so small. Noah is in wonderful hands when I'm not with him. He is either with his daddy or with a dear friend that is like a sister to me and loves him like her own. Nonetheless, it has still been very challenging. He is still not with me. When I'm at work, I cannot be in control. Who am I kidding, right? Every time I sit down to write one of these things, I share with you how I am learning I cannot be in control. You are probably as tired of hearing it as I am of learning it. I'm so thankful for a God that pursues me in my struggle.

Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that a "mother knows best". While I love the sentiment of that statement, it comes with a heavy burden. What happens when I don't know best? What if I don't know how to help him take a bottle better for his daddy or how to sleep at the sitter's house? What if I can't figure out how to fix his hurting tummy or mysterious diarrhea? To complicate it even further, I have a job that operates on the assumption that "teacher knows best". What if I can't even focus on being a teacher because I'm too busy trying to figure out how to be a mommy? Honestly, if Noah's hope rests in my ability to know what is best for him, we are both going to wind up really bad off.

I'm going to shake things up a bit and say that I don't think a mother knows best for her child. I think that's a false hope that creates a need for me to live up to something that I wasn't designed to. There is at least one time a day where I look at my son and think, "I have no clue what the heck I'm doing."  And that is how it should be. Every day that desperate feeling of inadequacy points me to a Father who does know best, for Noah and for me.

A word I've used to describe trying to balance being a mother and a teacher is "overwhelmed". I've told many close friends and family that this whole process has been overwhelming. I was sitting at the table eating breakfast yesterday when I felt the Spirit say, "NOTHING should ever have the power to overwhelm you except for Me." Ouch God.

He is overwhelming. The fact that He created life in my body, gave me the joy of experiencing His love through Noah's eyes, and has even given me the ability to work at a job where I earn money to help provide for him is overwhelming. When my hope is resting in the belief that I know what is best for Noah, I will most definitely spend many days feeling overwhelmed by the wrong things. Instead, I want to spend my days trusting that the Father not only knows best, but that He has orchestrated a plan that includes the very best for us. He has offered us abundant life when we choose to live in relationship with Him. We get invited to share inheritance as sons and daughters of the Most High God. That, dear friends, is overwhelming.

Life with Noah: A couple months down

I had all intentions of sharing more often what God was teaching me through this journey of new motherhood, but then motherhood happened. So here I am...Noah is two and a half months old, and God has taught me more already than this box has room for. I'll just share a few in no particular order. I'll be transparent so be prepared to see my ugly heart. Thank God for grace that is sufficient.

1. I am so selfish. Almost every expectation I had for Noah's life was centered around my own comfort or ability to "function" as a mother. Sure, I care about his well being...more than you can imagine, but it seems I care about myself a little more most times. I'm embarrassed to tell you that there are times I thought to myself, "Noah will not win this battle because I'm going to get what I want." Guess what...he always wins. And I think that's exactly how God intended it. The sanctification continues.

2. Comparison is the theft of joy. I need to say that again. Comparison is the theft of joy. I used to have a sign in my room that said this. I thought I believed it and understood it. I was wrong. I have compared my experience until I'm blue in the face. I've asked and read about other moms to confirm they are experiencing the same troubles as me. And always....no matter how encouraging, I end up feeling a little less than par. That deep need within me to feel adequate cannot be filled with seeing that I am just as good, or better, than other moms. It can only be filled with Jesus. Only He can satisfy. His blood covers me, and because of that and that alone, I am accepted, righteous, and redeemed.

3. Sometimes God lets you choose: bike or scooter. Years ago I heard a sermon that talked about God's will for our lives. One of the main points made was that God wants us to know Him and live in relationship with Him, but on some choices in life (like our job or where we live), he lets us choose. It's like He has put a brand new bike and scooter in front of you and let's you decide which you prefer as long as you glorify Him while doing it. I have come to think there are many parenting decisions that are like this. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has an opinion about the best way to raise your child. Breast feed. Bottle feed. Pacifier. No Pacifier. Sleep train. Rock them to sleep. Let them cry. Leave them to be. Those are just a few that have plagued me in these couple of months. What God has reminded me is that my goal for Noah is that He knows Jesus deeply. Not that he adopts my relationship with God or goes to church often, but that He has a personal experience with God that leads Him to choose to follow Him with his heart and his life. And honestly WHO CARES how he eats or sleeps or plays? Those things are way less important than every parenting guru wants you to believe. I get to choose what works best for Noah and for our family. And that is okay! There is so much freedom in letting go of the lies that tell me I will somehow mess him up if I make the wrong decision.

4. Grace is sufficient. This is probably the most important of all. I am a control freak. We covered that in my last blog. We've probably covered that with every encounter I've ever had with you. It's hard for me to truly let it sink in that I will make mistakes. I realize how horrible that sounds. Trust me, it doesn't feel great either. But as the perfectionist, good kid I have spent most of my life getting by like I have it all together. I don't. Not even a little. I will make so many mistakes being Noah's mom that it's not even funny. The most beautiful thing in the entire world is that God's grace is sufficient for me. Not just for my mistakes, but for the ugly part of my heart that believes I shouldn't be making them. He is good, and His grace is enough.

A couple days into being parents, someone texted Bryan and asked him how thing were going. He replied telling them that it was "so fun". I read his message and wept. I didn't understand how he could say this was fun. It was not fun for me. It was hard and scary and frustrating and not fun. That was a very short season because when I hold that sweet baby in my arms all I can think about is that this is SO VERY FUN!

Lessons through Noah: Week 1

It has been close to 2 years since I've written a blog, but for some reason tonight I felt the need to. A week ago tomorrow I became a mom, and I think God has shaken me more over the past week than in my entire life. Shaken is hard, but it is good. Here's what He's been teaching me.

About a month before Noah was born, I was struggling with lots of fear and anxiety over potential complications, what to expect, and pretty much everything you can imagine. During that time God showed me this passage from Psalm 33:

¹⁶ The king is not saved by his great army;
    a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
¹⁷ The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
    and by its great might it cannot rescue.

¹⁸ Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,
    on those who hope in his steadfast love,
¹⁹ that he may deliver their soul from death
    and keep them alive in famine.

²⁰ Our soul waits for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
²¹ For our heart is glad in him,
    because we trust in his holy name.
²² Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
    even as we hope in you.

 

If you know me even a little, you know that I am a logical person. I am very black and white, and I like there to be an answer for everything. I realized throughout my pregnancy how much I put my hope in things other than God. This was especially true with my knowledge as a nurse. I constantly searched for peace in the knowledge I possessed as a nurse that things would be okay as long as I followed a specific set of rules or passed a "risky" time period in my pregnancy. This knowledge I had proved to cause more fear and anxiety time and time again in my pregnancy. For me this scripture is a reminder that the things I think protected my baby, like eating enough folic acid or not eating taking certain medications,  are really just empty attempts at controlling something that was far bigger than me or Noah. God reminded me time and time again over the last month that Noah wouldn't be safe because I did everything "right" or because everything medically went like it should. Noah would be okay because "the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him". I thought that surrendering those fears and anxiety during pregnancy was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Then the past week happened.

 

Noah was born on 'Tuesday, June 3 at 12:52 p.m. I began having pain from the very early signs of labor on Sunday at 4 a.m. Needless to say, by the time Noah graced us with his presence I was mentally and physically exhausted. The exhaustion continued when I couldn't make myself sleep for the next two days even when he was sleeping. That paired with the fears from not having a milk supply and the overwhelming flood of hormones and emotions were absolutely overwhelming. Finally an excellent friend offered to keep Noah through the night allowing me to take some medicine to help me rest. In desperate hope to be better equipped to care for my son I took her up on the offer. That meant leaving my 2 day old in another room and giving him a bottle although I was so set on breastfeeding. The very next night I was rested and prepared to tackle the night when a spinal headache came about 11 p.m. A spinal headache is a complication from the epidural, and it is excruciating. I had to be re-admitted to the hospital and again leave my baby to get treatment. After being up all night with that experience I again had to ask for help from another amazing friend to make it through our first night home while I recovered. These days were not only filled with pain (physical and emotional), fear, and anxiety, but I was also overwhelmed with doubt in my ability to be a mom. The enemy was using every opportunity to convince me that I was not capable of being this sweet little boy's mom. Yesterday was our first full day and night of being Noah's parents without help and we survived!

 

Now for the point. The point is not that my story is harder than any other new mom or that I deserve some sort of sympathy. In fact, I think it's much, much easier than many because I have a healthy, excellent baby. The point is exactly what God taught me in Psalm 33 weeks before this experience. I had all of these plans for Noah and for how I would raise him. I, in no way, anticipated how difficult the first days of his life would be. It hit me hard and fast, and there was nothing I could do but just survive minute to minute. However, God has proved over and over that the king is not saved by his great army. Or in my terms, I am not going to make it through motherhood because I planned well. In every desperate cry to God in the past week, He has made Himself evident. My breastfed baby has now had two nights of bottle feeding and takes a pacifier...GASP! He also has spent more nights in another room with someone else than in mine with me. None of those things were in the plan, and Satan wants me to believe all of those lies that say that I'm not a good mom or that I'll never survive this parenthood thing. But the truth of God is in Psalm 33. The hard times are not over. In fact, I think they are only beginning because I think being a parent like every other part of life is intended to sanctify us and point us to Christ. So far that sanctification process for me has included a lot of reminders that I am not in control. It has been me being forced to surrender my plans as I trusted the Lord in the terrifying territory of the unknown. It has been hard, but I couldn't be more thankful for a God who never leaves me and constantly draws me to Himself. I hope you can be encouraged in whatever hard thing you're going through today. God is good, and He loves you.