Big Girls Don't Cry

Or do they? I seem to have been crying an awful lot in the past few days. Let me tell you why.

For the past two years I have gradually felt more and more like a "big girl nurse". First semester was a huge step because I could wear scrubs, go to the hospital, and even take your blood pressure! Surely that's what nursing is about right? Second semester I could start IV! Third semester I knew the code to get in ICU and I had my own patient there where I drew blood from central lines, calculated drips, and measured intracranial pressure. That's pretty "big girl" if you ask me. Fouth semester I got to go to clinical without an instructor for 12 whole hours! June 1st came and I took my NCLEX. The state of Texas decided I was a "big girl nurse".

I began working May 23rd, and some of you may remember how crazy that first day experience was for me from my previous post you can read here. I have been working for the past 3 months with a preceptor over me. While I have gradually gained my independence in caring for my patients there has always been another nurse behind the scenes who was responsible for the same patients as I was, would help me as needed, and answer any questions I had. I have been blessed with some wonderful nurses watching out for me.

Thursday I woke up and headed to the hospital like any other day. I knew my orientation period was coming to a close, but I thought I would be with a preceptor for the rest of the month. I was shocked to see that I had been put on my own. What? My orientation is over? Just like that? I was flabbergasted. (I like that word in case you are wondering.) Immediately fear won me over and I began to cry for time number one of the day. It's impossible for me to explain the day I had without breaking HIPPA, but lets just say it was far worse of a day than I had ever experienced in orientation all three months. I had 3 nurses, one being my director of nursing, on the floor helping me to get everything done that needed to be. I was at the hospital charting until 10pm. That makes for 16 hours folks. That's a long day when you have to come back the next. Over the course of Thursday I cried about 4 times trying my best to go places and hide so no one would see me. I don't like to be the emotional one.

Friday morning I sat on my couch, called my mom and cried to her explaining that I was scared to go back to work because I never wanted to feel the way I did Thursday. She calmed me reminding me that every day wouldn't be that terrible and things would get better as time went on. I had plenty of reassurance from friends and family that days wouldn't always be like that, but for some reason I was still so unbelievably overtaken by fear. Friday came and went. It was busy, but nothing like Thursday, and I am so grateful for that!

I guess you can say now that I'm officially a "big girl nurse" taking patients on my own. While my first day was pretty rough I'm going to keep a positive attitude knowing that the Lord works even through terrible days. Anxiety is definitely a mountain I'm climbing with Matthew 6:25-33 in mind constantly. I cannot wait to get to a point in my career where I can look on this time and laugh. I know that time is coming, and until then I'll just keep doing the best I can and take every opportunity as a learning experience.

I couldn't have made it through this week without my amazing co-workers, family, friends, and especially God.

I'll end with my favorite line from an old movie "Emperors New Groove":
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.
Bring. It. On.

Who decided it was good?

On the first day of fourth grade I walked into Mrs. Glenda William's class with my pink and purple heart-patterned tights and likely my hideous blue Winnie-the-Pooh scrunchie around my wrist. Immediately a little girl, not much different from myself (but probably a tad more stylish), sought me out to know the name of the new girl. What was nothing more than a nosey gesture started the best friendship of my life.

Brittany was the first friend I ever stayed the night with. When these sleepovers began in fourth grade they were unstoppable. We played Monopoly and laughed at the silliest things for hours like "the thimble rolls". We played Guess Who and accidently asked "Who's bed have your boots been under?" because we had been listening to Shania too much. We made up a dance to If You Wanna Be My Lover, and thought we were ready to win the talent show we never entered. We took baths together even though we were probably much too old- thank you Maw Maw. We spent hours writing how we hearted our crush of the week (or year if you count Blake Corkill) on a huge green beach ball. We "prank called" every business we could think of asking them what time they closed- rebels right?

Elementary ended quickly. Middle school was full of much more change and adventure. It was a must that we sat on the "prep bench" and didn't eat lunch. It was during middle school that we somewhat started to gain our personality and realize that we were two pretty different people. It didn't stop us though. Even though we each made new friends, Brittany was still the person I would call before anyone if I needed a real friend. We sat on the "prep bench" many times singing Lean On Me and Rodeo laughing hysterically.

While our differences became more evident, High School proved to be the time I grew to know my best friend for who she was and love her so much for that. During this time I watched her face tragedy like many people our age never know, and I watched it define her. She went on to get a full paid scholarship to The University of Texas and show just how amazing she was.

Brittany graduated UT in 3 years and immediately worked to change the world in her way. Tomorrow she will leave for Washington, DC where she will begin graduate school at The George Washington University to get a masters degree in Public Health Policy. The little nosey girl from fourth grade will go hundreds of miles away and continue to change lives. The point of this blog is to tell you how she changed mine.

Because of my best friend, I am definitely a better person. I have learned what it means to have a friend that will be there no matter how much they like you at the moment. I have learned what it means to love someone completely different from you. I have a friend who is brutally honest no matter how much it hurts because she loves me too much to lie. I have seen first hand someone who fights for what she believes and acheives her dreams. I can look at her life and be immediately challenged in my own.

I have the BEST best friend in the world. The only thing good about this goodbye is the person I'm saying it to.