Remember, Smile.

These past few days have been hard. On Saturday, we found my Uncle Bobby dead in his trailer. I'll preface this by saying that my Uncle Bobby might as well have been my mother's son. She is a very co-dependent person and she enabled took care of him for his entire life. He lived on her property, in her trailer, rent free. He ate her food daily. She bought his groceries, and cigarettes, and beer. He was a huge part of her life. He was a part of my life, and at one point a huge part, but lots has happened in the past few years that have made him a little more distant. Regardless, these days have been so hard. Here are a few reasons why:

• My family is broken. When I say broken, I really mean it. I'd rather not air all the junk, but we have so many issues. Drugs, alcohol, poverty, prison, abuse, and enmeshed boundaries are just a few. 
• I am the black sheep. I am unlike any member of my family excluding my Aunt Wanda who isn't really accepted by the rest of the family. I don't know how I am so different. I constantly ask God. I praise Him for setting me apart. 
• When tragedy strikes, I'm the strong one. This is not because I'm strong. By all definitions of the word, I am not a strong person. Somehow, I always play the part. 
• My mother is in complete denial. Some of the things I've heard her say: "Don't take him! Leave him here with me. I can take care of him." (In reference to his dead, and decaying, body) "Okay, he's been gone for 2 days now. It's time for him to come back home." If you mix those statements with the sound of her frail, weeping voice....well I don't think that needs further explanation.
• In the midst of tragedy, life goes on. The same problems that existed before Saturday, exist now. They just seem a lot heavier right now.

I said all of that to talk about the amazing blessing in my life. My husband. My story will speak for itself. Today, when I got home I had a CD made titled "Remember Smile :)" and a letter that read like this:

"Took some time out of studying to work on something for you. You are the love of my life. It hurts to know that you are hurting and hurts even more to know you dug this hole to bury it away in your heart. This is to let you know that you don't have to bury anything. This is a CD that I hope encourages you to live for today. Use today to love someone you never thought you could love and forgive in ways you couldn't believe. Not because you have to but because Christ died to give you the ability to love and forgive as He did. To experience a life that is safe and give you the ability to smile even on the days you feel like you can't. God came from heaven to rescue you because He loves you and to show you what it means to be beloved and cherished. Sometimes every one of us feels like we'll never be healed. Every one of us aches like we'll never be saved, like we never atone for all the love we've known. We were born sinners but a door was open for us to be among God in heaven but to live on earth like we are already there. You are not here by mistake my love. You are here, at the lowest point you could be, only to be used to love as Christ loved. That is an honor beyond belief. It's hard. I know. I thank God you are who you are and He has brought you here to be more than you could imagine. I'm so proud of you. Thanks for the love and marriage I never thought I'd have. Thanks for showing God in ways I couldn't believe. I thank God for you every second. This is just for encouragement. This is for you to pick your head up while the tears still fall. Look up in the bright blue sky or sparkling stars...and smile."

He was sure to mention that parts of the letter were lyrics from a song he liked. Regardless, my husband is amazing. God is good. He put me right here and gave me just what I needed to keep going.

Gusher 5K

I attended my first race in January of 2010 when I went to watch a friend run the Houston marathon. I was blown away by how fun it was to watch people run. I never really thought it was much of a spectator sport, but I was so wrong. As people cheered on strangers by the name on their bib, a smile planted on my face that I couldn't seem to shake. It was then, I started to consider running.

Friday was the biggest test of my life up to this point. It was the HESI. This is the test that, in the past, has determined if you are able to graduate from nursing school. For my class, it didn't serve that purpose specifically, but it was still pretty important to do well. It's kind of good that the test was the day before the race because I was able to balance my anxiety about the race with my anxiety about the test. Needless to say, we completed the incredibly long test and set off for Beaumont to begin our adventure of the Gusher 5K.

Friday night went by so quickly. Bethany and I ate dinner at Joe's Crab Shack (probably not the best pre-race meal) and then settled for the night at the MCM Elegante. I was kind of stressed out because we heard there were going to be thousands of people and not a lot of places to park. We also knew that the road we planned on using to get there was going to be closed at 4 a.m. for the race. Luckily my sweet friend Heather decided to run with us and offered to drive since she knew the area.

We woke up at 5 a.m. Saturday to start the festivities. We were  both tired, but really excited. Here are some sleepy pictures of the morning right after we pinned on our first bibs:

Let me just say that the excitement never ended from this point on. We started the race with both hands in the air celebrating our accomplishment. My friend Heather ran with us, and she hadn't been training. She did an amazing job and stuck with us the entire time! Throughout the race, the camaraderie was my favorite part. Other runners were constantly cheering us on, and we got to cheer on some other runners. There was a precious little girl who was my favorite. We got to give her encouragement as she told her daddy she was so tired. It was such a precious site to see her daddy helping her run her first 5K.

When we rounded the last corner where we could see all of the people on the side of the finish line, both of our bodies were covered in chills. It was one of the coolest feelings I've ever experienced. We looked up to see Laurel, who zoomed past us earlier, cheering us on from the finish line along with all of our friends and family who came for support. Bethany and I sprinted our way across the finish line with the biggest smiles on our face. Yes, yes we did just finish our first 5K. For me, the first of many. Running is one of the funnest things I've ever done. I can't wait to continue the journey. Thanks for taking time to read about this journey and even more for the awesome support you've offered. I'm adding a few more pictures that I had on my camera from the day. If you'd like to see more pictures click here. Enjoy!

These are the shirts we made for the race.

Lots of people said, "Next year those shirts will say 'My First Half'". I really love runners.

Our "strong" poses after we finished the race,

Our sign that my sweet best friend made to cheer us on.

Week 9, FINALLY!

So this week was interesting. We planned to run Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday. Tuesday's 3 miles was incredible! It felt wonderful to complete those 3 miles we had been shooting for since January. Thursday hurt quite a bit. It was very hot and just a rough day all around. Friday came along and we had ROTC day for school. Bethany and I both injured ourselves and couldn't pull it together to complete our run. We thought it would be better to let ourselves heal a little instead of hurting more. We waited until Monday to complete the last run of the program.

As I sit on my couch after that last run of the Couch-to-5K training program, I am incredibly humbled. I have said time and time again that I didn't believe for once second that I would be able to accomplish this, but it happened. I would be lying if I said that I, alone, had the strength to do it. It may sound silly, but I give every ounce of gratitude to God. Without His provision I would have failed miserably. Some would argue that God wasn't interested in helping me run 3 miles, and that He had better things to do. I beg to differ. Running has taught me a lot about myself and also given me some great spiritual analogy reminders. I believe that God uses every situation, and every obstacle, to teach us something more about Himself.

Sitting here now I think of Paul saying, "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win." in 1 Corinthians 9:24. I don't think it is by accident that Paul equates our spiritual journeys to a race. Running is hard not only physically, but mentally. There are days that it has been incredibly easy and I felt as if i could run a marathon and other days where every step hurt for more than a mile. Isn't that what life is like? The craziest thing is, I would take those hard days way before I took the easy ones. There is something fulfilling about persevering through pain. There is something defining about scars.

These nine weeks have been a roller coaster. I am finishing my last semester of college, starting a marriage, and  learning how to transition into a different stage of life. God has been, and will continue to be, faithful through it all. I hope that I can keep my eyes, and heart, open to learn what He is teaching. I am humbled that He gives me eyes to see...and legs to run.