Remember, Smile.

These past few days have been hard. On Saturday, we found my Uncle Bobby dead in his trailer. I'll preface this by saying that my Uncle Bobby might as well have been my mother's son. She is a very co-dependent person and she enabled took care of him for his entire life. He lived on her property, in her trailer, rent free. He ate her food daily. She bought his groceries, and cigarettes, and beer. He was a huge part of her life. He was a part of my life, and at one point a huge part, but lots has happened in the past few years that have made him a little more distant. Regardless, these days have been so hard. Here are a few reasons why:

• My family is broken. When I say broken, I really mean it. I'd rather not air all the junk, but we have so many issues. Drugs, alcohol, poverty, prison, abuse, and enmeshed boundaries are just a few. 
• I am the black sheep. I am unlike any member of my family excluding my Aunt Wanda who isn't really accepted by the rest of the family. I don't know how I am so different. I constantly ask God. I praise Him for setting me apart. 
• When tragedy strikes, I'm the strong one. This is not because I'm strong. By all definitions of the word, I am not a strong person. Somehow, I always play the part. 
• My mother is in complete denial. Some of the things I've heard her say: "Don't take him! Leave him here with me. I can take care of him." (In reference to his dead, and decaying, body) "Okay, he's been gone for 2 days now. It's time for him to come back home." If you mix those statements with the sound of her frail, weeping voice....well I don't think that needs further explanation.
• In the midst of tragedy, life goes on. The same problems that existed before Saturday, exist now. They just seem a lot heavier right now.

I said all of that to talk about the amazing blessing in my life. My husband. My story will speak for itself. Today, when I got home I had a CD made titled "Remember Smile :)" and a letter that read like this:

"Took some time out of studying to work on something for you. You are the love of my life. It hurts to know that you are hurting and hurts even more to know you dug this hole to bury it away in your heart. This is to let you know that you don't have to bury anything. This is a CD that I hope encourages you to live for today. Use today to love someone you never thought you could love and forgive in ways you couldn't believe. Not because you have to but because Christ died to give you the ability to love and forgive as He did. To experience a life that is safe and give you the ability to smile even on the days you feel like you can't. God came from heaven to rescue you because He loves you and to show you what it means to be beloved and cherished. Sometimes every one of us feels like we'll never be healed. Every one of us aches like we'll never be saved, like we never atone for all the love we've known. We were born sinners but a door was open for us to be among God in heaven but to live on earth like we are already there. You are not here by mistake my love. You are here, at the lowest point you could be, only to be used to love as Christ loved. That is an honor beyond belief. It's hard. I know. I thank God you are who you are and He has brought you here to be more than you could imagine. I'm so proud of you. Thanks for the love and marriage I never thought I'd have. Thanks for showing God in ways I couldn't believe. I thank God for you every second. This is just for encouragement. This is for you to pick your head up while the tears still fall. Look up in the bright blue sky or sparkling stars...and smile."

He was sure to mention that parts of the letter were lyrics from a song he liked. Regardless, my husband is amazing. God is good. He put me right here and gave me just what I needed to keep going.