On the night before kindergarten...

We've all read the sappy post of the mom talking about how you'll feel on the night before kindergarten. Or at least those of us who are moms have. I've read it more than once with both tears and laughter as I thought through everything leading up to this day. Let's be honest...I've been PRETTY dramatic with my own sappy posts.

Honestly, I've felt a heavy weight since the moment my eyes opened this morning. For months, the suspense of this whole experience has been building, and the culture around me has been selling a specific message: you should be sad and afraid. Some other tunes I've heard are that I should feel inadequate or unprepared or untrusting of the people who have had years of training and dedicate their lives to educating my child. I have specifically given a little too much weight to the select times a kid has been ugly to Noah or he has had difficulty making friends believing that this could be his new normal.

This whole experience reminds me a little of how it felt when we were getting married. Almost everyone we encountered wanted to tell us how hard marriage would be. Very few people actually took the time to tell us how amazing it is. Trust me, it was harder than they could have prepared us for, but mostly it was (and still is) the most incredible thing. Maybe we do this out of genuine concern or maybe misery loves company, but I'm not sure I was somehow more prepared for marriage because someone said it might be hard. It really just made me more afraid of it.

Tonight, I was feeling physically ill from the weight of the anxiety and fear I had picked up. I was having trouble focusing or enjoying our last day of summer. With the help of the best community ever, God reminded me of something very important.

"For God gave us not a spirit of fear but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:7 

Over the past months, I have chosen to pick up a spirit of fear that is not from my Father. I have agreed with some lies that are completely contradictory to who God says we are. In the spirit of power, I have the choice to reject every lie and pick up something much better. So tonight, on the night before kindergarten, I am feeling something altogether different.

I am feeling proud that we have raised a boy that is kind. I am feeling confident that he has been well prepared to handle the rigor academically and the social expectations of kindergarten. I am feeling excited for the friendships he will develop and the way he will grow under the leadership of a new teacher and school. I am feeling reminded that we have been obedient to what God has called us to, and He will be faithful forever to that calling. I am feeling reassured that Noah is a light to everyone he knows, and sending him out is how we share that light. 

Kindergarten, here we come. We were made for this.

Sleep Like A Baby

For the past 17 months, I could never understand why someone would use the term "sleep like a baby." Sometimes I seriously thought it had to be this horrible trick that people played to make sure we continue to procreate. My baby didn't sleep. Let me give you a little overview of our journey. Noah woke up the usual every 2 hours for the first couple months of life. He continued to wake up 4-6 times a night until he was well past  9 months. He did not sleep through the night one time for 10 months and 6 days. He did that two days I think before reverting back to the 2-3 times a night. At about a year old, he got considerably better and only regularly woke up once a night. I am here to tell you at almost 17 months old, my child has slept through the night for FOUR whole weeks!!!! I've written a blog occasionally about things I learned in motherhood. This most definitely deserves a blog.

God is good. He really is good. He is good apart from good things. In fact, good things are only good because of Him. Even in hard things, like not sleeping for over a year, God shows me over and over how good He is. I know I'm being dramatic (and repetitive) here, but you have to understand how much I love sleep. It was a big fat idol in my life. I spent many nights asking God why He took it away from me. Those of you who have walked with God for very long at all are probably laughing at those last two statements back to back...or thinking that I get a F in the Christian column today. I'm just being honest. I didn't want to lay it down. I wanted to tell you that sleep was created to make the brain work, and I needed it so God should not take it away from me for so long. I signed up for the standard 3-6 months of sleep loss like all the other parents. I should not get the short straw here. In every single night and day that I fell on my knees before Him pleading and asking why, He met me with grace. Grace for the times I snapped at my husband and blamed sleep deprivation, for the times I said I was too tired to spend time with Him, for the times I wished I had never become a mom. My sleep was hardly the biggest issue on God's plate. In fact, it shouldn't be considered a thing at all if you really think about it. Regardless of its true insignificance in the light of all the big things going on in our world, He cared for me and my sleep. He sought me, loved me, carried me, and gave me heaping spoonfuls of grace every one of the days. Because He is a good, good Father.

Sleep experts are stupid. I know I'm being harsh here, but I earned that right. No one knows how to make babies sleep. I have read and heard it all. Books, websites, blogs, personal testimonies, research articles. I truly believe I have tried everything out there...feel free to test me if you want. For every article that tells you that kids need to learn to self-sooth (whatever the heck that means), there is an article that tells you that you will ruin them for life if you do it. For every magical sleep tool, there are 10 articles about babies who died from using that product. It's all a long shot in the dark. Let's face it, we are desperate and people prowl on that. If you can answer the sleepy mom's need for sanity, she will do anything. It's a popular market. There were definitely a couple things that made a difference, if even for a short time, but nothing made him sleep well consistently...except maybe Jesus and time. 

This next part is for mamas. I know that dads do hard work. Sometimes they are working all day and still come home to take their shift with the crying baby. I am a huge fan of dads if you haven't noticed, and I think they absolutely HAVE to help with babies that don't sleep. But there is something about being a mama that really makes this on you. It's not something that someone does to you, it's just sort of there I think. We feel like we are supposed to have the thing that helps our babies get through the hard stuff. We are supposed to have the answers that make them better. We are the ones that turmoil over our every decision. So sweet, sleepy mama hear me clearly. You are doing a great job. You are going to survive this. You are not alone. It's okay if you don't cherish every second because sometimes the seconds are hard to cherish. Keep surviving because the good will outweigh the bad. You will not break them. One day they truly will sleep. You have my permission to keep track of every second they take from you and hold them accountable to it as teenagers. And more than anything, Jesus is sufficient in this hard, hard stuff. He will meet you where you are and carry you through. 

Lastly, this would not be complete if I didn't say thank you to all of you reading and listening over the past year. Your prayers were my strength. Your coffee gift cards almost converted me to a coffee drinker. Your comments on my 2 a.m. posts truly kept me sane. I have never been more happy to be a nurse than to realize how many people I know awake in the middle of the night. They say it takes a village, and you guys have been my village. I know you will continue to be because I have no doubt other hard things await. 

Few things are sweeter than this. 

The Beautiful Thing About Dirty Laundry

As of today Bryan and I have been together for 9 years. I truly can’t believe it has been that long. Recently a friend asked if we were “as perfect as we seem.” I have felt a little unsettled ever since hearing those words. The answer to that question is definitely not! I’m actually sorry we ever let people think that. It is important to me that you understand how imperfect we are because behind every secret is a thousand lies. I pray that you will find freedom in our transparency.

Bryan and I started dating when I was 16, and he was 20. We were babies! I would love to tell you that was the source of all our problems, but I would be lying. We aren’t babies anymore, and marriage is still really hard. In these nine years we have survived a long distance relationship, we have had premarital sex and then fought through stopping premarital sex for two years before marriage, we have both been unfaithful at different times in and outside of marriage, we have had trust issues, we have had control issues, we have had respect issues, we have been ready to walk away, and we have wondered if we made the right decision to be together…just to name a few things. These are not just past tense. These are real things that we struggle through every single day. Some are daily battles and others are scars, but they are not only in the past. They are now.

Let me share something beautiful with you.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

It isn’t comfortable for me to tell you how broken we are. I am not proud of that brokenness, but I can boast in it because He is glorified in it. I can come to my husband completely messed up because I am already accepted by God through what Jesus did for me.  I can air my dirty laundry because I am righteous and redeemed by His blood that makes it white as snow. There are a few reasons I believe that I am still married to the man of my dreams, and we are loving life together.

1. We learned to walk with God. There is a difference in believing in God and walking with Him. When I cheated on my husband I was leading a Bible study. I wasn’t walking with God. It is really easy to go through the motions to impress people, follow the rules, or look good on the outside. Walking with God is freedom, love, rest, and power. It is not sin, shame, fear, and guilt. It is not rules. It is not lies. It is amazing. You should try it.

2. We have incredible community. I believe wholeheartedly that our marriage would be much worse off without the couples that showed us what marriage should look like. These people spent hours with us pouring out truth, showing us the good and bad parts of their marriages, and loving us through the hard stuff. It started in premarital counseling and hasn’t stopped since. They have taught us that marriage is hard and wonderful and scary and beautiful and that we can do it. For some reason, I think our culture tells us we can’t do it. You can. Please believe that you can. People ask us a lot why we are still in Nacogdoches. This is why. These people we live life with are the best in the world.

3. We understand the purpose of marriage. This one is important. We believe without any doubt that marriage was designed to reflect the way Christ loves His church. Marriage was created to make you holy, not make you happy. Our culture is obsessed with things that make you happy. Because of the way you may have been influenced by that, this might make you a little mad. Frankly, I don’t care. I guarantee you that you will never find another human being that can make you happy all the time. We truly love living life together, but on the days, or even seasons, where we don’t love it as much I can rest assured that we will both still choose to love each other because we understand that loving each other is bigger than making each other happy. We understand that it is a choice that we have to make every day regardless of the temptations that show up to do otherwise. Our marriage is about something, Someone, way bigger than us. When I told Bryan that I cheated on him the very first thing he said was, “God forgave me so I forgive you.” He meant it. He has lived it every day since. That is grace. It is a beautiful picture of how God loves me. That is the purpose of marriage.

It would take a book to explain every detail of our story with you although I really wish I could. It is not secret; it is just too darn long to fit here. There are scars because we have been through a lot, and actions have consequences. There are still even temptations to run back to the same sins even though we know how destructive they are. We have to make decisions every day to protect our marriage from those things. We are not perfect, but we are redeemed, and our marriage is pretty stinking great these days. Here’s to many, many more sweet years with this man!

This was one of our first weeks at SFA. Doesn't my hubby look like such a handsome YOUNG man?!

 

Some Lessons Are Funnier Than Others

So far in Noah's life, I have written several blogs. Most of them have been pretty heavy lessons that God has taught me along the way. I get one of those lessons still daily pretty much, but in honor of a new year and a really fun stage in Noah's life I wanted to share with you some of the more humorous lessons being a mom has taught me.

1. Red lights are stupid. You just thought you hated red lights. Wait until your newborn baby falls asleep in the back seat after several minutes of crying. You pull up to the red light, and immediate hysteria begins again. The car is stressful with a crying baby. I have definitely developed road rage. In fact, on our way home for Christmas Noah had just fallen asleep and the automatic windshield wipers in my car came on making a really loud noise. Out of instinct I said through my teeth, "If you wake that baby up!" Bryan and I busted out in laughter when I had to end that statement with "...I have no idea how to punish you windshield wipers."
2. Keep your shoulders clean. I have never been so concerned with what is on my shoulders as I have been in the past few months. As soon as I pick him up, he starts to chew on my shoulder. My first concern is that they are clean so that he doesn't get something terrible in his mouth. However, with this new habit also comes remnants of sweet potatoes, prunes, and whatever else he has had in his mouth recently. Unfortunately I have had several experiences where I look in the mirror hours later when I'm somewhere important to find dried leftovers on my shoulders.
3. Moms aren't always nurses. Noah has only been sick a couple times in his life. Even those sicknesses would be considered minor from a nurse's perspective. I cannot be a nurse with Noah. I completely freeze up. Every time I think he may be a little sick I get so nauseous! He had a respiratory illness a few months ago, and I went in to find him very warm. I checked his temp and got 102.6. I was able to compose myself long enough to give him the right dose of Tylenol (thank God!) and hand him off to Bryan before going to the bathroom because I was sure I would be sick. I have taken care of hundreds of little fevers, and many have been MUCH higher than that. I am Noah's mom, and I am a terrible nurse when it comes to him being ill.
4. Fingernails grow fast. Man. Those hands. Noah has a thing for clawing those he loves. It seems like I have to cut his talons every other day!
5. So do little boys. I don't know that this one is very funny to me. He is growing SO fast. I remember wishing away sleepless nights and an immature tummy when he was very small. Now I just want him to slow down. In fact, when he first started showing signs of crawling I would pick him up every time because I wasn't ready. I finally gave in, and he is a pretty cute little mover. We still have those sleepless nights, though, so I guess that's how God chose to remind me he's still a baby. Either way, I'll take it. I'm learning not to wish anything away any more. There's not enough time to enjoy each little stage.
6. Love is gross. I have never in my life loved something in the way that I love Noah. Let me tell you that I have definitely loved my husband as much as I love Noah, and I believe that is very much a biblical concept. But I don't love him the way that I love Noah. I know it has been 7 months since I grew him in my belly, but I still feel like he is a part of me. He doesn't gross me out. I don't care when he slobbers...even if it gets in my mouth. The other day I made a comment how something on his arm stunk, and then I kissed it. Who am I?! I pick his nose. I don't care how gross you think that is. I think it is gross too, but it doesn't phase me with him. I clean the lint that seems to magically grow between his fingers and toes no matter how much I clean it. I do nasty things for this little boy that I never dreamed I would do for another human...at least without gloves.
7. Hide yo toes, hide yo phone. Since he has become mobile, he will do almost anything to put your foot or your phone in his mouth. I don't have much to add to that. We'll consider this a warning for when you see him next!

The first 7 months with Noah have brought more emotions that I thought my heart could possibly handle. It is not easy every day. In fact, most days have something that is hard. I have found more joy in being his mommy than in any other job or circumstance I have ever been in, though. I don't know that I'll ever fully comprehend the Father's love for me, but I'm convinced He created motherhood to give me a little glimpse. I pray that I can mirror His relentless, gracious, merciful, just love to Noah every day of his life.

"But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness." Psalm 86:15

Mom Fail

I am not a writer. I'm a math person. For some reason though, I get these blog ideas in my head, and I can't get them out until I write them down. I'm believing that someone needs them as much as I do.

A few days ago I was cutting Noah's fingernails when I clipped then end of his finger making him bleed a lot. He didn't cry, but I felt horrible because I couldn't get it to stop bleeding. I went to find a band aid, and all I had was an adult-sized small one which was gigantic compared to his tiny finger. Once I got the band aid on, he went back to playing because he wasn't phased by his injury. I snapped a picture to send to a few of my closest mommy friends and captioned it "mom fail". As I looked up from checking my phone for their responses, I realized the band aid had disappeared and his hands were in his mouth. The mom-nurse in me started to panic. Oh no. He's going to choke on the band aid. He's going to choke on the band aid that he only needed because I cut his finger when I wasn't careful enough. I would have noticed the band aid come off if I wasn't looking at my phone. I put my finger in his mouth to try to find it, but not too far because I didn't want to push it further back. I couldn't find it. More panic filled me. After about 20 seconds of pure panic, I found the band aid stuck to his foot. I sighed with relief, and thought to myself "mom fail times two".

The term "fail" has become pretty popular in recent years to talk about someone not doing something well. It has caught on with moms as well which is why each of my friends knew what I was feeling when I typed those two words. When we say "mom fail" to one another, it is mostly so we can have friends to laugh with us about the crazy mistakes we make in our journey of motherhood. The problem is that deep down, it doesn't feel funny. We laugh because that's all we know how to do. At my core, though, I'm really terrified of being a failure as a mother. And it isn't funny. It's not just the bleeding fingers or choking on band aids. It's the kid who is disobedient and disrespectful or the adolescent who breaks the law. It is the adult who doesn't know how to care for himself, or worse, is hurtful to others.

Right after this incident, I read this: "Things like 'mommy guilt' cannot crush us because Christ was crushed on the cross in our stead. Jesus is our consistency, he fulfilled God's highest expectations of perfection, and in him all the promises of God find their Yes (2 Cor. 1:20)." -Gloria Furman in Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full

Yes. Amen. Thank you Lord. That feeling deep down that seems like it will never go away...the one that makes you doubt every decision you make because you are terrified they will somehow negatively affect the rest of your life...you can let it go. He fulfilled the highest expectations of perfection. He was crushed in our stead. You were a failure, but He took your place.

cute little injured finger

Perspective Matters

The past month we have had a really difficult time with sleep. Noah was doing really wonderful sleeping at least a 6 hour stretch at night, and then it all changed. We quickly transitioned to a baby that wouldn't sleep more than 1-2 hours at night and 30 minutes in the day time. Google and friends said it could be that I was no longer swaddling his arms, a growth spurt, or four month sleep regression. I finally got to the point that I didn't really care what it was, but I really wanted it to stop. Thankfully, it seems to be improving some, but I find myself impatiently waiting to get back to what it was...or better yet, what my friends babies are doing. It seems like everyone I know has a kid that can be laid down in their bed awake and fall fast asleep for the night. Tonight as I was praying over Noah while I rocked him to sleep and he fought me...hard...I felt like God reminded me that perspective matters. This is a simple truth, but it is so important. There are a few things, specifically, He is showing me in this season.

This is hard for him too. In case you don't know, I really love my husband. This is not one of those shout-outs that says we have the perfect marriage, and he does no wrong. Our marriage has been hard. It has lots of ugly, messy moments. Thanks to a loving God and a lot of grace, it is redeemed. God uses Bryan every day to show me a picture of the way He loves me. Bryan has completely changed the way I view fatherhood, and he has so much wisdom about how to love Noah well. A few days ago after Noah fought and fought to go to sleep, I was really exhausted and began to get frustrated. Bryan calmly looked over with a smile on his face and reminded me that this is hard for Noah too. He isn't fighting sleep to make my life miserable. He lived inside of me up until 4 months ago, and it may take him a little time to figure this out. It's so easy to feel like he is intentionally making my life hard when I'm emotional and sleep deprived, but thankfully Bryan reminded me how absolutely silly those feelings are.

Today matters more than tomorrow.  Ever since Noah was born, I have struggled with spending way too much time thinking about his future. Every decision I make, small or large, I weigh the outcomes to try to determine how it might affect him in the future. For sleep, this has been exceptionally difficult because every "expert" has a magical sleep solution that will either make your child a baby genius or ruin them. I'm pretty convinced at this point that they are all fakes because if we really knew how to make babies sleep there wouldn't be so many books about it. I still buy into the lie, though, that I'm going to do something that ruins him forever. I do think it's important to think about decisions and how they will affect Noah's future. The problem with the extreme I live in is that we aren't promised tomorrow. I spend so much time thinking about tomorrow that I cannot enjoy...and survive...today. Scripture is full of truth reminding us to live today, and it's time to rest in that truth.

There's always something great to focus on. I am so thankful that early in my journey of motherhood God taught me the importance of not comparing. I have felt SO MUCH freedom by choosing resist that urge. I would be lying, though, if I didn't tell you that it is still a struggle. It is hard to watch other people sleep so well when you aren't. I can choose to focus on how Noah compares to other kids, in sleep or in numerous other areas, or I can choose to enjoy Noah just as he is. Let me just tell you that he is really great. He is so laid back. He smiles constantly. He loves to play with his toys. He just learned to blow raspberries, and so he does it nonstop like when he finishes eating and as he's falling asleep. It might be the cutest thing I have ever seen. Guys, this kid is better than I could have ever hoped or dreamed. I'll focus on that.

Kingdom perspective is key. Every single obstacle that comes in life comes with a choice of how I will view it. Honestly, some things life brings may be undoubtedly unbearable. However, John 16:33 says "In the world you will have troubles, but take heart I have overcome the world". This can be easily overlooked if you don't know the One who spoke those words. He is the author of life. He is God. He will restore everything to Himself. He became sin so that I could become righteous. He is my sustainer, my joy, my peace, and my hope. Compared to the gospel, sleep is incredibly insignificant.

I'll end with a quote about perspective from a book I'm reading by Gloria Furman. "When I view motherhood not as a gift from God to make me holy but rather as a role with tasks that get in my way, I am missing out on one of God's ordained means of spiritual growth in my life. Not only that, but I am missing out on enjoying God. No amount of mommy angst can compare to the misery that comes from a life devoid of the comforting, encouraging, guarding, providing, satisfying, presence of our holy God."

Mother Knows Best

Going back to work has been hard. I feel like a brat to even write that sentence, honestly. I have an amazing boss who has bent over backwards to make the transition for me as smooth as possible. Compared to what most working moms do, the time I'm away from Noah is so small. Noah is in wonderful hands when I'm not with him. He is either with his daddy or with a dear friend that is like a sister to me and loves him like her own. Nonetheless, it has still been very challenging. He is still not with me. When I'm at work, I cannot be in control. Who am I kidding, right? Every time I sit down to write one of these things, I share with you how I am learning I cannot be in control. You are probably as tired of hearing it as I am of learning it. I'm so thankful for a God that pursues me in my struggle.

Somewhere along the way I bought into the idea that a "mother knows best". While I love the sentiment of that statement, it comes with a heavy burden. What happens when I don't know best? What if I don't know how to help him take a bottle better for his daddy or how to sleep at the sitter's house? What if I can't figure out how to fix his hurting tummy or mysterious diarrhea? To complicate it even further, I have a job that operates on the assumption that "teacher knows best". What if I can't even focus on being a teacher because I'm too busy trying to figure out how to be a mommy? Honestly, if Noah's hope rests in my ability to know what is best for him, we are both going to wind up really bad off.

I'm going to shake things up a bit and say that I don't think a mother knows best for her child. I think that's a false hope that creates a need for me to live up to something that I wasn't designed to. There is at least one time a day where I look at my son and think, "I have no clue what the heck I'm doing."  And that is how it should be. Every day that desperate feeling of inadequacy points me to a Father who does know best, for Noah and for me.

A word I've used to describe trying to balance being a mother and a teacher is "overwhelmed". I've told many close friends and family that this whole process has been overwhelming. I was sitting at the table eating breakfast yesterday when I felt the Spirit say, "NOTHING should ever have the power to overwhelm you except for Me." Ouch God.

He is overwhelming. The fact that He created life in my body, gave me the joy of experiencing His love through Noah's eyes, and has even given me the ability to work at a job where I earn money to help provide for him is overwhelming. When my hope is resting in the belief that I know what is best for Noah, I will most definitely spend many days feeling overwhelmed by the wrong things. Instead, I want to spend my days trusting that the Father not only knows best, but that He has orchestrated a plan that includes the very best for us. He has offered us abundant life when we choose to live in relationship with Him. We get invited to share inheritance as sons and daughters of the Most High God. That, dear friends, is overwhelming.

Life with Noah: A couple months down

I had all intentions of sharing more often what God was teaching me through this journey of new motherhood, but then motherhood happened. So here I am...Noah is two and a half months old, and God has taught me more already than this box has room for. I'll just share a few in no particular order. I'll be transparent so be prepared to see my ugly heart. Thank God for grace that is sufficient.

1. I am so selfish. Almost every expectation I had for Noah's life was centered around my own comfort or ability to "function" as a mother. Sure, I care about his well being...more than you can imagine, but it seems I care about myself a little more most times. I'm embarrassed to tell you that there are times I thought to myself, "Noah will not win this battle because I'm going to get what I want." Guess what...he always wins. And I think that's exactly how God intended it. The sanctification continues.

2. Comparison is the theft of joy. I need to say that again. Comparison is the theft of joy. I used to have a sign in my room that said this. I thought I believed it and understood it. I was wrong. I have compared my experience until I'm blue in the face. I've asked and read about other moms to confirm they are experiencing the same troubles as me. And always....no matter how encouraging, I end up feeling a little less than par. That deep need within me to feel adequate cannot be filled with seeing that I am just as good, or better, than other moms. It can only be filled with Jesus. Only He can satisfy. His blood covers me, and because of that and that alone, I am accepted, righteous, and redeemed.

3. Sometimes God lets you choose: bike or scooter. Years ago I heard a sermon that talked about God's will for our lives. One of the main points made was that God wants us to know Him and live in relationship with Him, but on some choices in life (like our job or where we live), he lets us choose. It's like He has put a brand new bike and scooter in front of you and let's you decide which you prefer as long as you glorify Him while doing it. I have come to think there are many parenting decisions that are like this. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has an opinion about the best way to raise your child. Breast feed. Bottle feed. Pacifier. No Pacifier. Sleep train. Rock them to sleep. Let them cry. Leave them to be. Those are just a few that have plagued me in these couple of months. What God has reminded me is that my goal for Noah is that He knows Jesus deeply. Not that he adopts my relationship with God or goes to church often, but that He has a personal experience with God that leads Him to choose to follow Him with his heart and his life. And honestly WHO CARES how he eats or sleeps or plays? Those things are way less important than every parenting guru wants you to believe. I get to choose what works best for Noah and for our family. And that is okay! There is so much freedom in letting go of the lies that tell me I will somehow mess him up if I make the wrong decision.

4. Grace is sufficient. This is probably the most important of all. I am a control freak. We covered that in my last blog. We've probably covered that with every encounter I've ever had with you. It's hard for me to truly let it sink in that I will make mistakes. I realize how horrible that sounds. Trust me, it doesn't feel great either. But as the perfectionist, good kid I have spent most of my life getting by like I have it all together. I don't. Not even a little. I will make so many mistakes being Noah's mom that it's not even funny. The most beautiful thing in the entire world is that God's grace is sufficient for me. Not just for my mistakes, but for the ugly part of my heart that believes I shouldn't be making them. He is good, and His grace is enough.

A couple days into being parents, someone texted Bryan and asked him how thing were going. He replied telling them that it was "so fun". I read his message and wept. I didn't understand how he could say this was fun. It was not fun for me. It was hard and scary and frustrating and not fun. That was a very short season because when I hold that sweet baby in my arms all I can think about is that this is SO VERY FUN!

Lessons through Noah: Week 1

It has been close to 2 years since I've written a blog, but for some reason tonight I felt the need to. A week ago tomorrow I became a mom, and I think God has shaken me more over the past week than in my entire life. Shaken is hard, but it is good. Here's what He's been teaching me.

About a month before Noah was born, I was struggling with lots of fear and anxiety over potential complications, what to expect, and pretty much everything you can imagine. During that time God showed me this passage from Psalm 33:

¹⁶ The king is not saved by his great army;
    a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.
¹⁷ The war horse is a false hope for salvation,
    and by its great might it cannot rescue.

¹⁸ Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear him,
    on those who hope in his steadfast love,
¹⁹ that he may deliver their soul from death
    and keep them alive in famine.

²⁰ Our soul waits for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
²¹ For our heart is glad in him,
    because we trust in his holy name.
²² Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us,
    even as we hope in you.

 

If you know me even a little, you know that I am a logical person. I am very black and white, and I like there to be an answer for everything. I realized throughout my pregnancy how much I put my hope in things other than God. This was especially true with my knowledge as a nurse. I constantly searched for peace in the knowledge I possessed as a nurse that things would be okay as long as I followed a specific set of rules or passed a "risky" time period in my pregnancy. This knowledge I had proved to cause more fear and anxiety time and time again in my pregnancy. For me this scripture is a reminder that the things I think protected my baby, like eating enough folic acid or not eating taking certain medications,  are really just empty attempts at controlling something that was far bigger than me or Noah. God reminded me time and time again over the last month that Noah wouldn't be safe because I did everything "right" or because everything medically went like it should. Noah would be okay because "the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him". I thought that surrendering those fears and anxiety during pregnancy was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. Then the past week happened.

 

Noah was born on 'Tuesday, June 3 at 12:52 p.m. I began having pain from the very early signs of labor on Sunday at 4 a.m. Needless to say, by the time Noah graced us with his presence I was mentally and physically exhausted. The exhaustion continued when I couldn't make myself sleep for the next two days even when he was sleeping. That paired with the fears from not having a milk supply and the overwhelming flood of hormones and emotions were absolutely overwhelming. Finally an excellent friend offered to keep Noah through the night allowing me to take some medicine to help me rest. In desperate hope to be better equipped to care for my son I took her up on the offer. That meant leaving my 2 day old in another room and giving him a bottle although I was so set on breastfeeding. The very next night I was rested and prepared to tackle the night when a spinal headache came about 11 p.m. A spinal headache is a complication from the epidural, and it is excruciating. I had to be re-admitted to the hospital and again leave my baby to get treatment. After being up all night with that experience I again had to ask for help from another amazing friend to make it through our first night home while I recovered. These days were not only filled with pain (physical and emotional), fear, and anxiety, but I was also overwhelmed with doubt in my ability to be a mom. The enemy was using every opportunity to convince me that I was not capable of being this sweet little boy's mom. Yesterday was our first full day and night of being Noah's parents without help and we survived!

 

Now for the point. The point is not that my story is harder than any other new mom or that I deserve some sort of sympathy. In fact, I think it's much, much easier than many because I have a healthy, excellent baby. The point is exactly what God taught me in Psalm 33 weeks before this experience. I had all of these plans for Noah and for how I would raise him. I, in no way, anticipated how difficult the first days of his life would be. It hit me hard and fast, and there was nothing I could do but just survive minute to minute. However, God has proved over and over that the king is not saved by his great army. Or in my terms, I am not going to make it through motherhood because I planned well. In every desperate cry to God in the past week, He has made Himself evident. My breastfed baby has now had two nights of bottle feeding and takes a pacifier...GASP! He also has spent more nights in another room with someone else than in mine with me. None of those things were in the plan, and Satan wants me to believe all of those lies that say that I'm not a good mom or that I'll never survive this parenthood thing. But the truth of God is in Psalm 33. The hard times are not over. In fact, I think they are only beginning because I think being a parent like every other part of life is intended to sanctify us and point us to Christ. So far that sanctification process for me has included a lot of reminders that I am not in control. It has been me being forced to surrender my plans as I trusted the Lord in the terrifying territory of the unknown. It has been hard, but I couldn't be more thankful for a God who never leaves me and constantly draws me to Himself. I hope you can be encouraged in whatever hard thing you're going through today. God is good, and He loves you.

My Take on "Supporting Kountze Kid's Faith"

It has been a long time since I've written a blog, but my heart is pretty unsettled tonight. So...here I am doing something I hardly ever do. I'm going to write about a very controversial issue.

Right now, my Facebook news feed is full of updates to people commenting on the "Support Kountze Kids Faith" group page. I want to admit, first, that if I were in high school during this issue, I probably would have been the creator of that group. Also, I'm not saying I don't "support" the demonstration of faith these kids have shown in using scripture on their football signs. I think that is wonderful.

What I really want to talk about is our "rights" as Christians. The word right implies that one would deserve something. These people are fighting for their "right" to free speech because the rest of America enjoys that right. I think that understanding the Gospel fully means understanding that you have no rights. Scripture teaches us that the only thing we deserve is hell. It teaches us that on our own, there is not an ounce of good in us. The most beautiful thing is that the Gospel is a love story about how Christ loved us anyway. He knew we were this wretched, yet he died on a cross to pay the price so we didn't have to.

What I'm wondering is- where do we "Christians" get that we deserve anything? It is a privilege to be in a country where we get to proclaim the name of Jesus without being killed yet we use that freedom to push our personal motives and to back our football signs. I don't get it. Our job as followers of Christ is to make Him famous yet we are boasting about how the Lions remain undefeated. What if we spent half of the energy we are into keeping our football signs into investing into the lives of the people who don't know this precious Jesus? I would love it if we could give up our "rights" for a little while because lately all they seem to do is convey hate.

Honestly, tonight I'm not feeling "proud" of my small home town and the statement they are making. I'm feeling overwhelmed with sadness that they can come together like this over a football sign, but I have never seen them come together like this to truly be the hands and feet of Jesus to the lost.

I'll end by saying: I'm writing this post in response to the issue as a whole. I know there are definitely people who have tried to bring the group back to stay focused on Christ and to discourage the hate being shown to non-believers. I'll also say that this is my view on the issue, and it may not be yours. That is okay.

Six months...and counting.

On November 23rd I had been officially working for 6 months. On December 2nd I will have had my license for 6 months. Wow. Who knew 6 months would go so fast? It makes me think this 3 year contract...and my life for that matter...will fly by. I remember writing not too long ago about my chaotic first day and about my terrifying first experience on my on.

One of the first few days by myself I checked a blood sugar and the monitor read "low". For those that aren't familiar that means the sugar is so low it doesn't give you a number. A low sugar is worse than a high one. My patient was slightly confused already, but it seemed she was symptomatic. I remember panicking. I ran and called another nurse to stay with her while I grabbed juice, crackers, and called the doctor. I wound up getting an order to push D50 and right before I started the other nurse said, "Did you check it again?" Oh. My. Goodness. Here I am giving this lady D50 and I didn't even check it twice! Praise God the reading was accurate and her sugar barely came to normal after the intervention. Now when I get a sugar that reads "high" or "low" I laugh every time at my calm approach to intervention and mostly at my incredible improvement in nursing judgement from my first time. It's amazing what your brain can accomplish when not clouded by fear.

I tell that story to give you a glimpse of the progress I have made. I have gone from the girl who questioned every decision I made to being the girl who has confidence to handle a floor of 7 patients by myself with one aide. Do I still have questions? OF COURSE! I always will. I am by no means a pro, but I am learning and that is comforting. I still have bad days where I am at the hospital hours after I should be, but they are now the minority.  I have been blessed with the most amazing coworkers who are completely unselfish with their time and talents and make my job worthwhile. I have been graced by some of the sweetest patients one could imagine.

I am a nurse. This statement has had a ton of meanings over the last few years. I am so very excited to see what definition it has in the coming years.

Pursue it.

"Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it." Psalm 34:14

I have loved this Psalm for a long time, but for the past few days I have been reading it and really trying to digest everything in it. There is so much I think I could dwell on each verse for weeks. For today, I want to tell you about this one.

These seem like such simple commandments...for believers and not. I think I have gotten the first part for a long time. At least that's what I tell myself. I've always been the "good girl" who chose to hang around with the crowd who doesn't get into much trouble. I've never really been the type of girl you would say who hangs out and does "evil" necessarily...at least in the world's eyes. I also have always been the one who wanted everyone to get along. I never understood why when having 10 friends who were girls I had to hang out with them in packs because some didn't like the others. I never understood why my mom and I had huge fights during my teen years (like any teenager and her parents) and why the neighbors were so mean when we were the new kids. I never understood things like war and famine. Those are just silly examples, but overall I always wanted everything to be peaceful. On the surface, I'm a kind hearted girl who defnitely follows this not-so-simple command.

You see, the problem here is with my heart. I can put on a good show for the world to see so that I fall into the category with those who are "good people" (whatever that means) and who likes everyone to get along. The problem is my heart is evil. It doesn't just do evil, it is evil. Everything within me wants to reject the truth of the Gospel and live my life as if it isn't real. Even though I say I want to seek peace I find my heart wanting to know the dirt on the person sitting next to me whether it's a concious decision or not.

What a conviction this simple commandment brings! To turn from evil and do good is to live as Jesus lived. It is to choose with every decision to be as He was. To seek peace is to want it, but to pursue it is to have it. It is time to live like Jesus died for my sins and the sins of others and like He is coming back to get us! The gospel isn't something that should change my life the day I first believe in Christ, it is something that should shape every second of my life as a believer. I want to be the light of Christ to others. I want to truly turn from evil and do good. I want to not only seek peace, but to pursue it day in and day out. Some days are better than others as I know each of you have experienced. I am so thankful for a God who died for me knowing I would go a lifetime and never really get it right. I'm thankful for a Gospel that saves every day.

Today is one of those days that I pray: Come Jesus come. Come quickly. Come quickly.

Sweet to the Soul

"Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body." Proverbs 16:24

"Hello love, I just wanted to tell you that I love you dearly. You make my life so easy, so peaceful, and so joyful. You are a HUGE blessing in my life. I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you so much for being the love of my life. Thank you for working your tail off to help support and hold this family together. Thank you for loving God before loving me. Thank you for just being you. :)"

I have been having some really hard days at work. Not only are they hard physically, they are so hard emotionally. I have worked 16 hours about once a week. I have definitely had a problem with caring too much and bringing my patients home with me. I have just truly began to experience the difficult side of being a nurse. It shows. I am a positive person, but lately I have been so negative. It is tearing me up. I worked some overtime and had a few really hard emotional situations and I feel like it took a toll on me. My husband has taken it every day when I come home in tears so exhausted I just collapse into bed until it's time to get up and go again. My husband has encouraged me every step of the way. After having one of these days Thursday, I came home to roses, a Lady Antebellum CD, and a card that contained the above message. I immediately felt rejuvinated.

I'm not going to even stretch the truth far enough to say I won't have bad days. I wouldn't even dare say I won't be negative anymore and that I will learn overnight to give the appropirate amount of care to my patients but not bring those emotions home with me. I will say that for this week in my exhaustion my husband served as a light to me to point me back to the Lord and to give me some hope as I keep pushing. Those two words were sweetness to my soul and health to my body. Thank you.

30 Thoughts on DC

As most of you know I spent September 1st through 5th in Washington DC visiting my best friend. This was my first time on an airplane and a train as well as my first real vacation in my opinion. It would take several pages of writing to cover all of the things I experienced. Instead I'm going to share with you some thoughts I wrote down on a notepad to help me remember the experience. They are very random one liners that I will elaborate on as needed. I will also try to put them in as much order as possible. At the end, I'll include some of my favorite pictures from the trip. Enjoy!

1. Clouds are gorgeous. My first thought was "What a wonderful Maker!"'
2. All states look the same from an airplane. This was my daytime thought. More on night soon.
3. Airplanes are boring. Also a daytime thought. The night ride was much better.
4. Metro is fast. This is referring to the speed of travel as well as the opening and closing of the doors for exiting and entering. You had to be quick!
5. People in DC not very friendly.
6. Air and Space over my head...literally.
7. Supreme Court building all marble- beautiful and bright!
8. Ian Capitol tour amazing! Brittany's boyfriend Ian works at the Capitol and gave us a tour. It was our favorite tour of all. He did a fantastic job.
9. Floor of Capitol kind of small. It looks big on CSPAN, but not so much in real life.
10. White House is cooler from the outside looking in. The inside just feels like a staged museum. I understand for safety reasons that they can't show us where the president actually lives, but it just felt unrealistic. It was much cooler from the outside.
11. I don't know history well. Oh boy. Mrs. Turner would be so disappointed.
12. MLK memorial was favorite. This was a brand new memorial. It had tons of wonderful quotes, and I really love quotes.
13. So glad dad isn't on Vietnam wall. I teared up seeing all of the names on this wall. I was so thankful that neither mine or Bryan's dad was one of them.
14. Thankful for military. DC had tons of memorials honoring the military. Politics aside, I am so very grateful for the work they do. I don't think I'll ever really understand the prices they pay. Thank you. Thank you so much.
15. Homeless people are devestating. I saw my first homeless child. He was probably 3. My heart crumbled. These people aren't on the side of the road begging for money. They are sleeping under cardboard boxes in the metro stations. They are homeless. I am humbled.
16. Crime and Punishment Museum so fun.
17. Chinatown scary = me shallow. It was scary. I am shallow for that being my only thought.
18. Interracial couples are normal. We didn't get any dirty looks in DC when we held hands. It was nice.
19. National Zoo and Aquarium kind of lame.
20. Wax Museum hilarious.
21. Georgetown Cupcakes would definitely win cupcake wars. These were the most delicious dessert I have ever had. Really. I wish I could ship them to Nac regularly.
22. National Archives nothing like National Treasure. I just really love National Treasure.
23. Husband is awesome. I realized this trip more than ever that my husband makes huge sacrifices to be sure that my comfort comes before his. He constantly made sure I had a seat on the metro before he did. He gave me the window seat on the plane even though it was only his second time to fly. He carried both of our bags. He is the most selfless person I have ever met. I am so lucky to be his wife.
24. Travel is expensive. We went over budget just a bit, but it was way worth it.
25. Brittany's planning makes life so easy. Minute by minute itenarary. I know when I take my next vacation without her, I'll really miss this.
26. Firting with my husband throughout our whole trip- unforgettable. ;) so fun.
27. Watching TV is worth the 8 bucks. Criminal Minds wasn't so scary on the plane ride back. In fact, it made our flight go by much quicker and was much more enjoyable!
28. Flying above storms feels supernatural. On our way back we were above the storm clouds covering the East Coast. It was beautiful and weird at the same time.
29. Plane at night- WOW! Oh-em-gee. The lights of a city look amazing from the seat of a plane. I love Christmas, and it just reminded me of lots of gorgeous Christmas lights.
30. Seeing Liz was wonderful, and we love Kingwood. We got to see my dear friend Liz on our way home because she lives in Kingwood. Bryan and I decided Kingwood would be a nice place to live one day. It's only a little over an hour from home and gives us just enough "big city".

Stephen F. Austin in the Capitol. We had to represent!

There goes the train!

This was one of them many quotes at the MLK memorial. This one was one of my favorites.

Brittany and I right outside her school. There are one of these marking all four corners of her campus. The campus is nothing like what a college campus here looks like. Instead it's several buildings on a city block.

Ian and I riding the train in the tunnel connecting the buildings of the Captiol.

This quote made me want to cry. The Department of Veterans Affairs has helped my dad tremendously. I'm thankful for the work they do.

I am standing right above the empty tomb where George Washington was to be build. The problem is Washington died before it was finished. The place I'm standing is also where NE, NW, SE, and SW Washington DC meet. It is also considered lucky to stand here.  

Big Girls Don't Cry

Or do they? I seem to have been crying an awful lot in the past few days. Let me tell you why.

For the past two years I have gradually felt more and more like a "big girl nurse". First semester was a huge step because I could wear scrubs, go to the hospital, and even take your blood pressure! Surely that's what nursing is about right? Second semester I could start IV! Third semester I knew the code to get in ICU and I had my own patient there where I drew blood from central lines, calculated drips, and measured intracranial pressure. That's pretty "big girl" if you ask me. Fouth semester I got to go to clinical without an instructor for 12 whole hours! June 1st came and I took my NCLEX. The state of Texas decided I was a "big girl nurse".

I began working May 23rd, and some of you may remember how crazy that first day experience was for me from my previous post you can read here. I have been working for the past 3 months with a preceptor over me. While I have gradually gained my independence in caring for my patients there has always been another nurse behind the scenes who was responsible for the same patients as I was, would help me as needed, and answer any questions I had. I have been blessed with some wonderful nurses watching out for me.

Thursday I woke up and headed to the hospital like any other day. I knew my orientation period was coming to a close, but I thought I would be with a preceptor for the rest of the month. I was shocked to see that I had been put on my own. What? My orientation is over? Just like that? I was flabbergasted. (I like that word in case you are wondering.) Immediately fear won me over and I began to cry for time number one of the day. It's impossible for me to explain the day I had without breaking HIPPA, but lets just say it was far worse of a day than I had ever experienced in orientation all three months. I had 3 nurses, one being my director of nursing, on the floor helping me to get everything done that needed to be. I was at the hospital charting until 10pm. That makes for 16 hours folks. That's a long day when you have to come back the next. Over the course of Thursday I cried about 4 times trying my best to go places and hide so no one would see me. I don't like to be the emotional one.

Friday morning I sat on my couch, called my mom and cried to her explaining that I was scared to go back to work because I never wanted to feel the way I did Thursday. She calmed me reminding me that every day wouldn't be that terrible and things would get better as time went on. I had plenty of reassurance from friends and family that days wouldn't always be like that, but for some reason I was still so unbelievably overtaken by fear. Friday came and went. It was busy, but nothing like Thursday, and I am so grateful for that!

I guess you can say now that I'm officially a "big girl nurse" taking patients on my own. While my first day was pretty rough I'm going to keep a positive attitude knowing that the Lord works even through terrible days. Anxiety is definitely a mountain I'm climbing with Matthew 6:25-33 in mind constantly. I cannot wait to get to a point in my career where I can look on this time and laugh. I know that time is coming, and until then I'll just keep doing the best I can and take every opportunity as a learning experience.

I couldn't have made it through this week without my amazing co-workers, family, friends, and especially God.

I'll end with my favorite line from an old movie "Emperors New Groove":
Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me. We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.
Bring. It. On.

Who decided it was good?

On the first day of fourth grade I walked into Mrs. Glenda William's class with my pink and purple heart-patterned tights and likely my hideous blue Winnie-the-Pooh scrunchie around my wrist. Immediately a little girl, not much different from myself (but probably a tad more stylish), sought me out to know the name of the new girl. What was nothing more than a nosey gesture started the best friendship of my life.

Brittany was the first friend I ever stayed the night with. When these sleepovers began in fourth grade they were unstoppable. We played Monopoly and laughed at the silliest things for hours like "the thimble rolls". We played Guess Who and accidently asked "Who's bed have your boots been under?" because we had been listening to Shania too much. We made up a dance to If You Wanna Be My Lover, and thought we were ready to win the talent show we never entered. We took baths together even though we were probably much too old- thank you Maw Maw. We spent hours writing how we hearted our crush of the week (or year if you count Blake Corkill) on a huge green beach ball. We "prank called" every business we could think of asking them what time they closed- rebels right?

Elementary ended quickly. Middle school was full of much more change and adventure. It was a must that we sat on the "prep bench" and didn't eat lunch. It was during middle school that we somewhat started to gain our personality and realize that we were two pretty different people. It didn't stop us though. Even though we each made new friends, Brittany was still the person I would call before anyone if I needed a real friend. We sat on the "prep bench" many times singing Lean On Me and Rodeo laughing hysterically.

While our differences became more evident, High School proved to be the time I grew to know my best friend for who she was and love her so much for that. During this time I watched her face tragedy like many people our age never know, and I watched it define her. She went on to get a full paid scholarship to The University of Texas and show just how amazing she was.

Brittany graduated UT in 3 years and immediately worked to change the world in her way. Tomorrow she will leave for Washington, DC where she will begin graduate school at The George Washington University to get a masters degree in Public Health Policy. The little nosey girl from fourth grade will go hundreds of miles away and continue to change lives. The point of this blog is to tell you how she changed mine.

Because of my best friend, I am definitely a better person. I have learned what it means to have a friend that will be there no matter how much they like you at the moment. I have learned what it means to love someone completely different from you. I have a friend who is brutally honest no matter how much it hurts because she loves me too much to lie. I have seen first hand someone who fights for what she believes and acheives her dreams. I can look at her life and be immediately challenged in my own.

I have the BEST best friend in the world. The only thing good about this goodbye is the person I'm saying it to.

Summer Update (because I couldn't think of anything clever to name this one)

It's been a while since I've written a post. There have been times where I've come, began to write, and erased it because I didn't think anyone would care to read about that particular subject. Thank you over-analytical brain. Since it's been so long, though, I just thought I'd write a quick update on life.

1. Work. I am getting settled in well at work. It's crazy though that everyday brings new emotions and new experiences. I guess that's the career I chose. Some days I come home feeling like I know exactly why I wanted to be a nurse and feeling like it is exactly where I belong. Other days I wonder who in their right mind would let me be in charge of someone's life and well being. Needless to say, my confidence has been pretty shaky lately. I guess it's only normal to feel this way. Maybe time will offer more reassurance and lots of better days. I do love being able to invest in people during important times in their lives. I don't really love all of the paperwork and technicalities that come with professional nursing.

2. Marriage. On Sunday, Bryan and I have been married for a whole year. That blows my mind. I don't know if it is crazier to me that we've been together for 5 or married for 1. I never thought marriage would be like this, but I love it so much. A good friend and mentor told us once, "Marriage isn't meant to make you happy, but to make you Holy." I'd say that's the theme of the year. I haven't had every dream fulfilled just because I'm married. I have however been drawn to and learned more about God than I ever dreamed. I am so thankful for a husband who so diligently points me to Christ. I am so very blessed.

3. Family. I miss my family a lot recently. I guess it is because I have been out of school and have much more free time. It's hard to make trips home, but it's easy to start missing our family dearly. I miss Madison and Clayton the most. I think about them all the time. Sometimes I plan out fun days that we could have together and think how much I would love to hear their precious laughs. I guess since we don't have kids (and don't plan to for a while) they are the closest thing I have to kids. I love living in Nacogdoches, but I wish I could see them more often.

4. Friends. This subject stings a little. This is what I've been calling the summer of goodbyes, and I hate it. I am not good at saying goodbye to people. It's almost like I go through the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. So far this summer I feel like so many people have left. Tons of my nursing friends left after graduation, but thankfully many of the ones I was closest to stayed. Jaime and Melissa moved early June, Chip moved mid-June, and Justin and Heather left late June. Each of those people played a big role in my life one way or another, and it sucks to have seen them go. The hardest goodbye will be at the end of July. I have to send my best friend in the world, Brittany, off to DC to start her new journey at grad school. I am beyond proud of her accomplishments, and so honored to call her my best friend. A huge part of me wants to be selfish, though and keep her here forever. Luckily, Bryan and I will be going to visit her in DC September 1-5. This will be my first airplane ride! **gasp** I'm so excited for our trip. Brittany already has an itinerary planned by the minute, and I know it will be an experience of a lifetime.

Well...that's life for now. Until next time...

Try harder...why not?

"A pitiful, sickly, and self-centered kind of prayer and a determined effort and selfish desire to be right with God are never found in the New Testament. The fact that I am trying to be right with God is actually a sign that I am rebelling against the atonement by the Cross of Christ."

Those were the words that opened my devotional today after I picked it up for the first time in over a month. That's right ,*gasp* I haven't had a quiet time in over a month. I haven't been in scripture other than during church in that long, and my prayers have been pretty rough too. I'd like to pretend that I'm some super Christian who has everything figured out 100% of the time, and I'd really like to pretend I have a good reason for missing those vital things for so long. I don't. I have, however, found myself begging God to help me try harder or to make my relationship closer or to give me the desire to get in the Word. In fact, those were my intentions today when I was very quickly put in my place with the above exerpt. I have been, for no particular reason, in one of those ridiculous valleys that come with the Christian walk. I wanted God to make me able to fix myself.

Yesterday, we said goodbye to Justin Beadles and his family. Justin was a beloved pastor to me because he was the most transparent Christian authority figure I have ever met. He was incredibly real with us in every aspect of his life. As one member put it, he made it okay to fail. A lot of times, Christians are perceived by others and pretend to be people who don't mess up. I am blown away by how contradictory that is to the Gospel. It teaches about a people who are completely dead in sin, but redeemed by a loving God. There is nowhere in scripture that says we have the ability or the duty to "be good" apart from Christ. Romans 3:12 says "All have turned aside, together they have become useless; There is none who does good, there is not even one."

I'm pretty sure I will continue to attempt to fix myself time and time again. I can't seem to get away from the idea of "trying harder". For today, I want to rest in that Christ died to pay for my brokeness, and I don't have the responsibility to fix myself. When I take time to consider the amazing truth in that I can spend time talking with my Creator, quiet time is not a burden, but an amazing privledge. The Gospel is a truth that many of us have heard time and time again.  Never underestimate its power to change your life, and never forget to apply it to every aspect of it.

Another JB quote for today, "God's sovereignty isn't to be wrestled with, but rested in."

Beautiful Chaos

Many of you have asked about my first day of work so I decided to just give you the story here. Enjoy!

I'll start by telling you about my Monday. I had a long to-do list for Monday to prepare me for my first week of work. Some things I really wanted to do was have a long (long for me) run, plan out some new meals for the next two weeks, and do some intense grocery shopping for those meals. Instead, I woke up at 5 a.m. vomitting. I prayed it would be one time and over, but that wasn't the case. It continued throughout the day. I never left the couch more than 5 minutes. If you know me, you know that the absolute worst kind of sickness to me is nausea and vomiting. I truly hate it. After throwing up a glass of water I drank around noon...very painfully...I laid on the bathroom floor and cried. It was no fun. Sorry for the graphic details...that's the nurse in me. My day was made much better by the afternoon when the sweetest friend in the world, Jessica Lowe  brought me a survival kit with Gatorade, 4 different anti-nausea medicines to choose from, magazines, chicken noodle soup, and saltine crackers. She also cooked dinner for Bryan and brought it over so it was one less thing I had to worry about. When Bryan got home, he waited on me hand and foot and also went grocery shopping for the essential things to get us through the week until I could go grocery shopping. The service these two provided to me really made me get through the day. Absolute blessings.

I went to bed at 9 p.m. after taking 2 Dramamine to calm residual nausea and hopefully help me sleep. Help me sleep it did. It helped me so much that I didn't hear either of the alarms I set. I woke up at 6:20 a.m. (the time I had planned to leave my house) and screamed "You have GOT to be kidding me!" I proceeded to throw things around and turn on every light completely disregarding my sweet sleeping husband. I was very weak and had that disgusting cold clammy sweat that felt like it might lead to passing out any minute. Luckily, I clocked into work at 6:45 a.m. (when I was supposed to be there) looking rough as ever and feeling just about the same.

I was doing well until about 8:30 a.m. when I almost passed out after standing too long in a patient's room. I was thankful that they soon switched me to follow the Unit Clerk for the rest of the day. Not only did that allow much more sitting, but also I got to learn a lot about charting, orders, and the computer system. Those are all things I had little confidence about and understand much better now. Another absolute blessing.

My co-workers are fantastic. They are all very welcoming and sweet. I felt like I fit in from the first moment. I love that the nurse manager is so willing to just walk up to me and teach me things. Everyone seems to have confidence in me even if I don't have it in myself, and that is so reassuring. I think I will fit in very well on this unit, and I am so very pleased. Today my permit posted so tomorrow I get to go to work with a fancy "Graduate Nurse" badge instead of my "Nurse Tech" one. I'm pretty dang excited about that...especially since it adds an additional $11 per hour to my pay.

I'm still nervous about what is to come, but I'm also very thankful for the little reminders that even in the chaos, life is beautiful. As always, God is good.

Hello World

Today I sat in a classroom with 58 of my favorite people for the last time and took the final test of my undergraduate college career. This is supposed to be one of the biggest celebrations of my life, but all I have been doing all day is crying! It's embarrassing to be so sad when everyone else is so happy. In some ways, it makes me feel ungrateful for the huge accomplishment. I've been trying to figure out what my deal is and here are some things I've discovered:

• I was not supposed to graduate college. By all statistics out there kids with lives like mine don't grow up and become college graduates. It wasn't preached to me everyday to go get my degree. It was assumed I'd find the best job possible with my high school diploma, if I even attained that. When I decided to go to college, I was the first in my family to ever do so and it was almost as if I was turning my back on "where I had come from" to some extent. Don't get me wrong, my family was proud, but they never understood what I was doing or why. Not only am I graduating college, I'm doing so with a 4.0 overall GPA. I say that to say how overwhelming it feels. I do not feel for one second worthy of such a huge accomplishment. I'm crying because some people in this world don't even get to finish elementary level education, but I get to graduate from college. Let me never ever take that for granted.
• All I have ever known was school. I began going to daycare before I can remember. I have been in a school setting literally my entire life. It's no secret I'm good at school. Who wants to quit something they are good at? I am beyond terrified to start work as a nurse and begin real life. I grew up at a young age because of how my family life was. I knew how to manage money, work, and be self-sufficient. I'm not scared of those things. I am, however, terrified to know what it is like to only work. It's also pretty obvious I don't do well with change. I'm a duck, not an eagle. If it's not broken, don't fix it. School was going just fine...but we just "fixed" it. 
• I seriously LOVE the people I have grown to know in these 4 years. Leaving high school was hard. We had a small class of just over 60 students. Leaving college feels like leaving family. These people aren't just students. They are my friends...my friends that share a common goal in life to serve others...my friends that have experienced some of the most important moments in my life. I know we will "stay in touch", but I also know the reality of life is I will likely stay close friends with very few of them. They will all move on and begin their lives, make new friends, and move on. I will do the same. I know that is part of life, and I know those are wonderful things. Right now, though, it just hurts. I don't want new friends. I want these friends.

I think for today, I'm going to cry. I don't think there is any shame in feeling overwhelmingly grateful, terrified, and even sad. All of those emotions are the cause of the lump that hasn't left my throat since about 5:30 a.m. It goes without saying that I am also incredibly excited to start a new journey in life. This won't be the end of school for me, just school as I know it. I know the Lord has more in store for me than I can imagine, and I don't think it's His goal to keep me comfortable. I rest in knowing He is good.  I give all thanks to Him for 4 of the best years of my life.

Hello world, my name is Katy Trotty, BSN.